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Thinking of Heather -- 2000-11-19
 
Dare I say that I'm totally infatuated with the thought of a certain woman? Her name is Heather S. and she is a former teacher of mine. I'm serious, I really like her. OK, I'll grant you that I know nothing about this woman, except that she's smart and she teaches speech. I know, a lot to base a relationship on. Still, there was a spark there, whatever that is. I've had that spark before, only to have it turn out to be nothing. So, I tend to not believe that spark anymore. My instinct is pretty much on target about everything... except the opposite sex. In those matters my instinct is totally wrong. What a curse, don't you think? I mean, to have this insight on everything except the one thing that makes me happiest. Women are great, in so many ways. Too many to list here... but dammit to hell, I love them all. How is it possible that I connect with them yet I don't understand them? I wonder sometimes, is it me? I don't have any idea. Anyway, I like this woman (Heather) and not just because she's smart. She is attractive, which of course is the first thing you notice. Yet, she has a charm about her that I can't quite discribe. I know, it's just the charm in my pants. It could be, in part, I'm not going to lie. I do love her hair, and the way she styles it. The way it's so perfect, without a strand out of place. My gawd it is beautiful hair. But, is that enough to have me say that I love her? Nah, of course not. I don't even really know her. I do want to get to know her, but I worry about the age difference. Women my age are looking for something else in a guy. I think, they never seem to know. Heather is about 40, by my best guess. That makes her about 11 years my senior. At least. Could two people who are that far apart age wise find something special between them... that would last for more than five minutes? I ask you. I shake my head thinking about it, because I don't really care. I would really like to go up to her and ask her out. Nothing fancy, not expecting for us to fall madly in love with each other over a cup of coffee... but why not? If it were to happen that way it would be great. I don't expect it to happen that way, except in my dreams. Day dreams included. Yet, I know that it won't happen that way. Most likely I won't even make the move for fear that she will reject me for whatever reason. I hate that. I may seem unfeeing and mean at times... but deep down inside I feel each and every emotion to it's fullest extent. I do have a passion for things, even if it doesn't always show. I tend to not show it to others. Why? I think I never really learned to do that. Lately though, I have been moving towards a point where I can express myself better to others. It hasn't been easy, but I like making the effort because people like me tend to end up alone because they never tell those they love that they love them. I have an extreamly hard time saying that little phrase that so many other throw around like a hello or good-bye. Saying that you love someone is important to me, and I won't cheapen the meaning by saying it over and over again until all the feeling has left it. On the other hand, I do need to learn to say it when I mean it. Not saying it at all is no better than saying it constantly for no good reason.

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