| By Wednesday I'll be free of school, for at least a little while. I'm kinda looking forward to this break, seeing as I didn't really meet anyone nice in my class. This on the heels of having two of the best classes in a long time. The people in my last couple of classes were wonderful, and I consider myself lucky to have meet them. It is strange that I still haven't made a move on Prof. H.S. I really hate myself for it, because even if I fail miserably and she says horrible things, at least I will have done it. I will know once and for all and I won't cling to what little romantic hope that I have all this time. I know, I'm a total fool... a total romantic fool. Still, I want to take a chance. Playing it safe has placed me on the sidelines of life. I joke around that I'm living the life of a monk, but it's no joke at this point. Love and sex are subjects that drift in and out of my mind, yet I don't do anything about it. I think that falling on my face is not going to be pleasant in the least. However, I want to get back to where I was years ago, when I wasn't so afraid to make mistakes and try something new. I have it in my mind that I will look for Prof. H.S. and asking her out, for coffee or anything else, tomorrow. I don't know what she will say, but I'm hoping that she accepts. There is a longing in my heart for this woman, and I'm not entirely sure why. We haven't talked more than a few sentences to each other and yet I feel a connection with her. I know, it might be something artificial that is coming from deep inside my lonely heart. I understand that it could be a feeling that is only in my mind and has no basis in reality. I really hope there is a connection there. Still, if I don't make my move I'll never know what the deal is. Gawd, I think about the woman and I just want to kiss her and whisper something sweet in her ear. Then again, I feel that way a lot of times, with different women. Actually, not that many women, just a couple. Anne is someone I find attractive, but I still think of her as a sister. Funny how that is. I don't know, my feelings towards her are mixed. At times, when I forget who she is I think, "This woman is someone I could quite easily fall for, if I let myself." Yet, she is a friend, really more than a friend, she's family. Jeopardizing that relationship for sex is not something I want to do. The emotional connection I have with her as a friend (almost sister) is so fullfilling that anything else would only detract from that. Besides, what if I were to pursue a sexual relationship with Anne and in a few months, years it fell apart. I think of her daughter as not only my friend but as the daughter I will never have. My paternal instinct comes out when I'm with my 'little sis.' I adore her as if she was my own flesh and blood. I consider myself the luckest person for knowing her. She saved my life once, and has shown me just how wonderful life can be. If I lost that I would surely die. |
