| I saw an old friend of mine a couple of days ago. I only mention this because I haven't spoken to him in about three years. What happened? I actually don't know, one day he just stopped talking to me, while I didn't notice. I didn't notice because my mother was sick at the time and I was trying to get her better. So, I saw him the other day and it got me thinking how he was a very close friend for so long, but that I also didn't miss him at all when he left my life. That was unusual in my life, since I always grow so attached to people. So much so that I'm crushed when I don't see certain people. Yet, I didn't miss my friend. And, since that time I've grown to the point that I can not have almost anyone of my friends or family in my life and I wouldn't miss them. There are exceptions, of course. My Grandmother is the biggest one. I think I rather die than have her leave me. However, there is a part of me that can let go of pretty much anyone from my life right now, without missing them. It's funny because my friend and I were reallly close. I've known him since elementry school and I considered him my closest friend. I guess that didn't mean a thing to him. The only thing I want to know is what triggered his ending our friendship. I know why I didn't pay much attention, because my mother was dying and I focused my attention on taking care of her. But, all this time has gone by and I still don't know why he ended our friendship. I sorta don't care, except to just know once and for all. I hate not knowing things. But, if I never know the answer I'll still be able to sleep at night. Hell, I've yet to lose a single night's sleep over this. I say, good riddance to bad rubbish. He obviously had a problem with me. I on the other hand, have no problem with who I am. I like me, and if he doesn't, than maybe it's best that he ended a friendship that would have ended anyway. As for me, I am now in a tightrope. On one side is letting go and focusing on finding a girl to love. A good girl that will be that one whom I've dreamt of since I can remember. On the other side is what I've been living the last few years, the life of a monk. In a sense, living the life of a person who has been hurt and is unwilling to get hurt again. In a sense that is what this journal entry is about, allowing myself to let people in my life. I've gone from being a person who makes friends easily to a person who now tries not to make friends. It's extended to my love life as well. I've gone from wanting to find that right girl to not wanting to let any girl get too close to me. It's a place I don't like being, on that tightrope. Yet, here I am, unwilling to pick either side, but always reminded why I want to pick one over the other. I hate myself for allowing the pain that I've experience over the last three years to take me to this point in my life. |
