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Back to the past, and onward towards the future -- 2001-07-09
 
I talked to an old high school friend tonight. I haven't seen her in over a decade, which in itself makes me feel way old... in that I can encapsulate my memories in terms of decades and not just years. Back to my friend... it was nice to talk to her after so long. Actually, I think tonight's conversation was the longest we ever had in our lives. Strange how things like that happen. My cousins came over and I showed them the site where I was able to get in contact with her. Right now I'm sorta contemplative of both past and future. That's actually a good thing because I used to only contemplate the past... that is unless a pretty girl came into view... then I would contemplate my future with her. Those moments only last a few seconds, unlike looking at the past. I like that I'm looking at the future much more now. I made an appointment with a counselor at school so that I can get on the fast track towards getting this degree of mine. Granted, not having one isn't stopping me from writing. My present project is up to 20,000 words and I haven't run out of steam. I don't see me doing so until the end, which I sorta already have. I got an idea the other night, and I think I'll keep it if the story allows it. Sometimes I write something and it's good, but it doesn't quite fit in a given story. That's funny because that little snippet could have been the geneses for the story, but then after I write the story it doesn't seem to fit. Makes no sense, I know, but it's just the way things are.

I think of what the future hold for my little sister. She's on the set of a movie acting her little heart out, or so Anne says so. I believe her because I know how much of a ham my sis is. She loves it in front of a camera. I can tell that she feels natural in front of a camera lens. I'm better behind the camera where I can watch. Watching it good, I've learned a lot from just watching. I watched my duck a lot. Everything she does is so interesting to me. I think I bore people with my talk about her, so I don't do it too much. I pretty much keep it to myself... like so many things. Like how much part of me likes Anne. She's this wonderful person who deserves much more than life allots her. That, among other things, keeps me from believing that there is a god, at least not a vindictive one. I see her struggles and all I can do is try to root her on, but it's not enough. I think of how lucky I am to know her, and how I've never told her that. I haven't told that to a lot of people, but I think those close to me understand that. I hope that they do, because I'm too much of a coward to tell them. I secretly wish that I won the lottery so I could give her a bunch of my winnings. I have it all worked out... I get a cashier's check and sent it to her anonymously. That way she wouldn't feel that she owed me anything. Just seeing her smile from the windfall would be enough thanks for me. I would then have to hide the fact that I won the lottery because I wouldn't want her to put 2 and 2 together. Otherwise she would know that I gave her the money. I wouldn't mind, I would just get my car fixed and repainted and live my life just like I do now... only with some cash in my pocket, unlike now. I feel so helpless when she tells me how she doesn't like her life. She doesn't like her body either, but that I could complement because I like it. Best finish this book of mine... maybe that will be my lottery in a sense.

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