I talked to my friend about the whole Anne situation. He said that he thinks it was a come hither move on her part. It might be, though at the time I didn't think anything of it. I'm such a dope at times like this. <:|
I do have a cruch on Anne, but at the same time I know that I have little crushes on a lot of girls. H.S., for one. And then their's, wait a minute, who else is there right now? Wow, that was fast. I was expecting to run off a bunch of names, but I guess I was wrong about my own crush meter. Actually, I know that I still have a crush on several girls from the past. Granted, I won't see many, if not all, of them anytime soon... but still, I do hold on to my crushes for a long time... forever really. Not all of them, mind you, but a great deal of them.
My friend Oxcar (not his real name, of course) came by today. I hadn't seen him in, damn, about 7 to 8 years, if I remember right. I know I'm off, but by only a year. Anyway, we hung out for a little bit today and it was just like old times. Damn, the more things change the more things really do stay the same. There are a few changes, he's married and he has a kid. I'm no where near that, as you know. It's not for lack of trying, but for lack of trust. I did make a breakthrough thanks to Oxcar. I was telling him the story of a mutual friend of ours and how I first met him. I told him the story of how in the 6th grade I was moved from this one classroom to another after a few weeks into the semester. It was pretty draumatic for me because all my friends were in the old class I had been in, not the new one. Not only that, the difference in teachers made me pretty much phase out for the rest of the year. It was pretty messed up, and it was actually hard to deal with at the time. I sucked it up and continued my life. But, it is strange that when I thought of that today I came to the realization that part of the fact that I don't want to become too attach to anyone, or thing, is because I feel that something or someone will pull me away from that special someone, or place. I think I fear loosing that special thing so much that I rather not even have it close to me. I used to think that my love for MFC was a blessing. That has changed a bit because there are times when I do feel that it would have been better for me to never have discovered those feelings for anyone. I'm caught in a place and time when it think of her, and I don't want to escape. It is a safe harbor, and I think that's why I go back to it again and again when there isn't any other place to call home. I'm glad that I got to this, because I think that it does lie at the root of a problem I have. I do love Anne, with all my heart... and having her love me back has been something reseved to my flights of godly imagination. I imagine myself just holding her hand, like I did the other day, and it makes my heart fill up to the brim with warmth. When I take it one step further, and think of kissing her, the warmth spills over the brim and engulfs the rest of my soul. All this and I only say that I have a little crush on her. Ha!