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Thoughts, random as they are.... -- 2001-10-22
I know that I love my little sister Michelle like anyone would love a sibling. However, I also love her in the way you would love a porcelain doll, with care not to have it break. I see her in that way because, despite the fact that she is older she is still fragile and vulnerable in so many ways. Like that porcelain doll she's beautiful, but fragile to the harsh things that the world has to offer. However, I'm afraid that no matter how much I want to protect her 1) she has to learn to take her lumps like we all do. Otherwise she will never be able to face the world on her own. 2) No matter how much I protect her she is still going to be hurt sometime, somewhere. I'm powerless to take those evils and keep them from her... but that is how it should be. The world doesn't pull any punches... it's filled with horrors. By that token it is also filled with wonders that delight and inspire. I understand that if I keep her from the horrors she will never come across the wonders.

Why is it that I still see Kat everywhere I go? Why haven't I let go of her? I saw the movie "Memento" last night, which gave me an idea of why I might not let go of her memory. There is a moment in the film when the main character knows that his quest is over. Another guy tells him that he has already finished what he started, but that he needs that mystery in his life in order to go on. Without it his life has no purpose. I don't think I would describe my attachment to a Kat's memory as an act to add purpose to my life. However, I would explain some of my modivation for not entirely moving on. Right now I'm between two places in my life. I have this strong need to do something, and another need to stand exactly where I am, and not move. The part that wants, and needs, to do something is taking over. But, I've had a resting inertia for so long that I've sorta grown accustomed to it and moving, however compelling, is not always easy. Nevertheless, it is necessary.

My cousin became a mother last Thursday. She's in Mexico, so I don't know the kid's name, or what he looks like. She had to have a cesarean section because the baby was too big... I know I relate because my mother had to have the same thing because she had a little frame, and I was too big. My hoping that my other cousin will send me some of the pictures he said he would. He has a digital camera, so what takes him so long. I wonder.

I think I'm catching something because I've been feeling sick the last couple of days. I'm tired, sleepy and achy all the time. I feel asleep in my car today and I could have just stayed there... if not for that test that I had to take. I think I did well though, unlike last time.

I think I'm going to take a nap right now.

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