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Realizations -- 2002-03-07
>>cough<< I don't know what I have but I've been coughing lately. It isn't a huge cough... it only comes along about a few times a day. However, it is pretty harsh. I have a pain in my throat, and yesterday I had a pain right below my bottom rib on my right side. >>cough<< I don't think that this will turn into a cold because this isn't really the kind of colds that I usually get.

I don't have the energy to play games with women. I thought about calling Talia yesterday, but then thought better of it. I think I need to get rid of her phone number and just be done with that chapter in my sorry-ass love life. Yea, what love life. Speaking of which, there is this beautiful girl in a class that I'm taking. I'll call her Sarah. She's quiet, to the point that you almost don't hear a thing she utters. Her voice is soft, like I imagine her skin is. I look at her and I don't quite know what to make of her. She was reading Homer's The Odyssey, and I thought about making a comment about that to her in order to start up a conversation... but I didn't. All I could do was walk by and become fixated on her ash-blonde hair. She seems to have a glow about her face. Her smile is small and shy, with an air of sweetness sweeter than a puppy.

And yet....

I think what stopped me from talking to her was the fact that I feel she isn't interested in anything I have to say. I feel this because I've tried to talk to her last week. She said something softly, though I'm not sure what it was. Nevertheless, her body language tells me right off that she doesn't even know that I exist. That's my lot in life, I guess I should face facts. Sure, I could make her know that I exist, but at the same time, I don't want to spend all this energy trying to chip away at a girl who I know won't go out with me.

On this subject...

Have you ever felt so sure about something, that when it didn't happen you were more than surprised? I mean, to the point that there isn't a single shread of doubt that things will turn out exactly the way you feel they will? That's how I felt about Kat. She is the only girl that I ever saw myself spending my entire life with. In my mind she was The One and only girl I would ever love. And, I honest thought that she would love me as much as I loved her. To this day, some 14 years later, I still feel that. But, it's not true. My feelings betrayed me, and now I stand here having spent the last 14 years pining away for a girl who probably doens't even remember me... who doesn't even know that I exist... and who never gave me a second thought. Realizing that over and over again just makes my heart break, over and over again.

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