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The Long and Winding Road -- 2002-04-06
 
For the first time in a very long time I don't have a crush on anyone. Sure, there are a few girls that have caught my eye here and there over the last few months, but none of them to the point that I would venture to put my heart on the line for. Or, could it be that I'm simply afraid to put my heart on the line because of the inevitable breaking of said heart when the girl I like doesn't like me back.

Have you ever had the feeling that you were going to end up perfectly alone for the rest of your life? I drove by Kat's house Thursday night on my way home after spending some time over at a friend's house. As I drove to her house I thought about why I drive by her house on occasion. Why I don't go out and find someone else to love? I'm afraid. I'm afraid to love anyone else. I've always been afraid to love anyone else. So, I continue to hold a little bit of myself back because I hope beyond hope that some day I'll walk into Kat somewhere and sparks will fly, and the rest is happily ever after. I know, how pathetic. I admit it, I'm pathetic. You know, what? I'm pretty fucking sick of playing the love starved guy who keeps pinning away for the girl in high school that he never had the courage to let go of. I'm tired of always thinking of her. I'm tired of always wondering where she might be, and what she might be doing. I'm tired of holding back for her sake. I'm tired of the fact that I have loved her for all these years, and she'll never know it. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of loving her every moment of my life. I'm tired.

So... here I sit in front of this computer, pouring out my feelings onto this journal, hoping that maybe it will make me feel better... but it hasn't.

I think what I need to do is to take stock of myself right now, and find out how badly I want certain things in life. There are somethings I want quite badly, but I haven't put too much of an effort into them. I think it's time that changed.

Tonight I can write


Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.

Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.

- Pablo Neruda

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