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Thoughts of Kat -- 2002-05-01
I thought about you today Kat. The thought came in a flash between two other thoughts. The new thought popped into my head and I didn't think of you then. However, later, I began to wonder where you might be. That made me think of you some more. I looked at your picture for a second and looked away so it's impact on me would not lessen. I think I've looked at your picture for a total of one minute in the last three years, just so I don't lessen its impact on me. I can see it out of the corner of my eye right now, but I can't look directly at it. It's always there but sometimes I forget that it is. It becomes part of the background, and then suddenly I see it and I turn my eyes away from it. Silly. I just looked up at the picture and stared at it. Partly for the pleasure of it, and partly to see how long I could see it without making me start to wish.

I know you'll never know, but I used to pick out a star in the sky and wish upon it for you. I used to dream of you. I used to think in my mind that we were married and old together. I have't thought those things in a while now. They don't seem real now. Did you know I loved touching your hair? Did you know I felt 10 feet tall when I talked to you? Did you know... of course not. My memories of you have faded. Perhaps that's all for the better. I still think of you. I still wait for you. I still hope beyond hope.

In a quiet moment I think of your eyes. I think of that funny look you sometimes got. I think of your voice. I think of how lucky I am to have known you. I think about, I think about me. I think about what I might say to you if I ran into you. I think of you.

I remember a dream. I was lying on a bed, looking up at the ceiling. It was white, but the shadows made it look dark. It was my death bed and I was there alone. I wasn't in pain, I couldn't feel a thing. As my lasts breaths came and went, and came again I thought of you. My body stopped breathing and my soul left it. I was still alive, just not in my body. I lingered in the room for a moment, at which point I woke up from my dream.

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