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Count only on yourself -- 2002-06-24
I absolutely hate it when someone asks me to do them a favor. I'm the kind of guy who never, ever, and I mean ever, asks for a favor. I simply hate imposing on people, and a favor is an imposition on someone. I know it, and I feel that I shouldn't have to burden anyone with my problems. That's why I always figure a way to go about something by myself. I sooner die then ask a favor of someone.

In the past I would reluctantly say yes after having to be asked several times, but that's a thing of the past. I made up my mind a little while back that I wasn't going to do anyone any favors. Well, the occational favor here and there. I'll gladly do someone a favor if it doesn't involve me driving around like some chauffeur, or money, or anything that generally makes me feel used.

Most people just want you when they need you. But, they're never around when you need them. That's why you can't count on anyone but yourself. That's all there is. And, and that's all there ever will be. As soon as you put your trust into someone they are bound to disappoint you. And, it's not always going to be because of any malice on their part. Sometimes the worst thing someone can do to you is when they don't mean to do you any harm. I don't mean to do anyone any harm by not answering their request for a favor, I'm just looking out for myself. There will never be a time in which I'll ask anyone for a favor. I rather die than ask someone for a favor.

This whole subject came about first because this friend of mine, who I'll call Gunther (his idea of a joke) asked me last week if I could drive to his place and then drive him to get a car he wanted to buy. He lives about 30 miles away from where I do, and the car was in Riverside, about 70 miles (give or take 20 miles) out in the desert. Sure, he offered to pay for my gas, but I remember I made a trip out there a couple of times already, and it's not something I enjoyed doing. I drove my sorry ass out to his house by the beach and then drove him home to his mother's out in Riverside. I got a hot meal out of it. I didn't mind that, that was fine. What I did mind after that was that every time he needed a ride he would call me up. I remember he called me up some time after New Years day. He was downtown after getting off the bus from Illinois. He went into the Navy about a month and a half before, but he had been kicked out. Sure enough, come nearly midnight he calls me up asking how I was. I told him I was fine. Then he asked me if I could pick him up downtown. I did. My mother went with me. I remember how we both looked at each other. All she said was, "Where do you find these people?" Meaning why was I driving downtown at midnight. Believe me, it wasn't pleasant, but I did it. What was I supposed to do, leave him out there without a penny in the world? Still....

Then, tonight Michelle calls me up saying that she went to a show with her mother downtown. Yeah, there we go again, downtown. She goes on to tell me that she went to a show with her mother. But, she finds it boring, and she took a couple of benadril and could I pick her up. Man, I tell you, I sure didn't feel like driving all the out there when the show was going to end in less than an hour. The show would probably be getting out just as I pull up, with my luck. So, I asked her why she couldn't just sleep in the car... or how about the lobby? Well, she put on this half crying voice that she puts on often when she sees that she isn't going to get what she wants. I'm her friend, not her damn chauffeur for goodness sake. I love her, but I'm not going to be driving downtown just because she feels a little sleepy. Man! Couldn't she just wait an hour in the lobby? Sure, she thought the play was boring, and I'm supposed to drop everything I'm doing and fly down the freeway at 80 MPH in order to pick her up as soon as possible? Not me brother, not me. If it's a matter of life and death, hell, I'll drive 100 MPH to get there. But, being bored and a little sleepy is not a matter of life and death.

But, then maybe I shouldn't blame her for acting the way she does. She doesn't know any better than to impose on others. She really can't take care of herself. Ever since I've known her I've wanted to help her out, but I think I over did it. I made her rely on me too much. Part of it is definitely my fault. When I first became close to Michelle and her mother I was in dire need of someone. My mother had just died and I was feeling mighty depressed. However, I told myself to not get so down. I found comfort in Michelle's friendship because she was someone who needed me. It's that feeling that you can't help yourself, but you can help someone else. I didn't help her with much, just being there for her. But, at the same time she was there for me, though she didn't really know it. I don't think she knows it now. I tried to explain it to her once, but I couldn't find the words to say it, so I figured I would do it when I did. Now I have the words, but I'm not sure that she would understand what I'm trying to say. I guess I should just tell her again. I would but she's a teenager, and too self involved to hear anything right now. I do adore her as my friend.

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