I'm in a strange mood, and place, these days. I have friends, but for some reason I have this attitude that I can take them or leave them. There are times in which I just feel that if my friends never spoke to me again I wouldn't mind. Not only wouldn't I mind, I wouldn't even realize it until years later.
I saw the name of an old friend on the newsletter for one of those high school alumi websites. You know, those sites that help you contact your old friends from high school?
Well, there was this friend that I knew since elementary school, but that I haven't seen in over five years, that showed up on the list of people who listed themselves on that site. I don't know what caused him to not want to speak to me anymore, but I think now I know where he was coming from.
At the time of his disapearance I was facing the biggest crisis in my life. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer, which would eventually take her life, and I dropped everything in order to be with her. To help her, and to try to get her better. So, really I didn't notice when this friend of mine stopped talking to me.
After my Mother passed away I spoke to my friend's mother asking her to tell my friend what day the funeral was. He didn't go because he was working, which I understand. Yet, another friend of mine took some time off work to show up.
In short, over the last few years I've grown to understand that you can't count on anyone but yourself. That's true even with your best friend. They have their life to live, and you can't make them live their lives around you. Moreover, you can't tell them what to do, which is fine by me. But, by that you also can't trust that they will be there when you need help.
I hate asking people favors because I feel that I need to take care of myself. Where the is a way to do without someone's favor, I'll do that. Even if it means working twice as hard.
I think that I just don't like people right now. I've taken to not caring about others because they will just end up disappointing me. Not that I need to approve of their actions for them to have a happy life. But, I know that I don't know how to love half way. I love with all my heart. That means that when a friend does me wrong the pain is also 100%. The pain of being totally disappointed is hard to deal with. From now on I feel I can't get close to anyone.
I think that I shall keep myself from falling for anyone ever again. For, in matters of love I have been disappointed more than in any other aspect of my life. No one that I have fallen in love with has loved me back. And, I haven't felt anything for those who have fallen for me. It's a nightmare that feels more like a curse.
I'm cursed. That's it, I'm cursed. The irony of it is that loving people to the point that I can't live without them has caused me to detach myself emotionally from them. Because I don't think that I could deal with them not being in my life.