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Letting go -- 2002-07-28
I think that sometimes I sound like a total idiot on this diary. You have to understand that when I write something five minutes later I hate every word of it. So, going back to read what I've written before really makes me think that I sound like a total idiot on this thing. Maybe I just don't get it. Maybe I'm forcing myself to write things in a certain style, and that's hurting the experience of this journal. Then again, I'm writing this for me, and no one else. If someone happens to be reading these words, I only hope that they make some sense. I'm not sure that they make sense to me all the time. So, I'm going to sound stupid at times... that's OK.

The good thing about this journal is that there are times when thoughts come into my head... old events come into my head a lot. I'm nostalgic, and I used to live in the past more than I did in the present. I don't do that anymore. I'm not over it completely because I still get some old memories popping up here and there.

Michelle and I were talking today about a few things. Mostly about American Idol. Then the conversation turned to another subject, me being like Gilbert Grape. Apparently she feels that I'm stuck here at home, the way Gilbert Grape was, taking care of a sick parent. In a way she's right. But, I don't resent it, nor do I feel stuck.

I can see how she might have come to that idea. I do tend to hold myself back a lot. I've never allowed myself to just let go. I've always been the kind of person who wants to be in total control of their emotions. But, sometimes it's not a bad thing to let go. As for the sick parent. Yes, I do have a sick parent, and I do tend to stay close to her. I just want her to be alone if she ever feels sick. This last year has been tough. She's had some health problems, and I've seen the inside of the hospital a lot. Of course, I'm not the one that's sick. Nevertheless, I can't let my feelings get away from me when it comes to this whole thing.

The other day I was so absentminded that I actually drove through a red light. It was worse than just running a red light. I was stopped at the light, and for no reason, other than I wasn't paying attention, I went through the red light. It was only after I was already in the intersection that I realized what I did. I didn't stop since I was already through the intersection. Later I was thinking about how horrible my mistake could have been. Imagine if some car came along and hit me? Fuck, I could be in the hospital right now. I'm not used to being absentminded while behind the wheel, but for some reason my mind slipped for a brief second. As I drove home I thought about how I have to always be of the drive... at one with the car, the street, the other drives, etc. In that moment I wasn't, and I'm lucky to be standing here right now.

Just when things were getting a little boring around here some crazy driver crashing into my neighbors yard across the street. It's happened before. This time it's just a small car that didn't make the curve. Boy, am I glad to live on the inside part of the curve. My poor neighbor's house was hit one night a few years ago by some crazy driver. The guy did a hit and run. He plowed into the house, and the ran away. My neighbor didn't even wake up. It wasn't until my other neighbor went over and knocked on his door that he noticed the damage to his house, and his front yard.

I went out to see what happened a few moments ago. Seems that the car jumped the curb and is now sitting half on the street, and half on the curb. Oh, and the airbag deployed, so either it hit something on the way to its current possition, or something else triggered it to go off. My guess is the driver is probably drunk, or tired. They slammed on the breaks seconds before the crash, but they were clearly making the turn too fast. I've seen it before. Most of the time people are taking the curve fast, but not fast enough to not make the it. However, there are times, like this one, where the driver think's he/she is Mario Andretti and can handle any curve, at any speed. Wrong!

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