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The Quest to find Her -- 2003-06-01
On the omnibus last week I sat next to a maiden of fair skin, and hazel hair. I thought of starting a conversation with her as the opportunity was there. I sat there, looking through my book bag in order to get the book that I'm reading. I opened the book, and began to scan my eyes up and down the page. I wasn't really reading. My mind was drawn to the her, the girl sitting next to me. In my mind I tried to think of what I could say to start talking. Nothing came to mind. Nothing happened in that short ride that would be a spark of a potential flame. So I sat there, pretending to read my book, hoping for just such an opportunity to arise. None did, and as I got off the omnibus I watched her walk into a building. I didn't follow her.

The whole thing with Talia Del Monte (just Talia before) is like a rollarcoaster. She yo-yos me up and down as her mood dictates. Not to say that I've invested anything emotionally into this relationship. I can say right now that I don't care very much for Talia. Yet, I do find her somewhat interesting. Enough that I'm willing to go out with her again. Enough that I put up with some things I said I wasn't going to. I feel it's all right since I haven't invested any feelings for her. Those feelings of something else that I once had have been erroded by a torrent of coquettish rain. The are now out at sea, drowning in the vastness of the depths.

I speak of forsaking all others for my Dulcinea. However, the truth is that I have not. In my heart I have not been so loyal to her. I have wanted someone new to catch my eye. Someone of real flesh and blood, and not some memory pressed between the pages of my mind. But I have known my love for Dulcinea for so very long that it has become a fixture in my life. A habit that I fall back on when I feel lonesome, or when have no other outlet. It is that familiarity that I fight now. It has anchored me to an ideal that no woman can ever attain. For my Dulcinea makes no mistakes in my mind. She never ages, she never does anything. She is like a statue, forever in once pose. Forever frozen in time. Forever perfect.

But, the time has come to put that devine statue aside and focus on the living. The lack of an opportunity kept me from talking to that girl the other day. But, if I had really wanted to I could have found a way to bend her ear. For a few moments, I forgot that I promised myself to not wait for she who does not come.

So my quest to find the one that will not only help me forget my Dulcinea, but will finally replace her. For statues can not love you back. They can not grow. They can only be what they are. And so, if fate will be with me, and I find myself in the presence of the fair skin maiden, I shall attempt to see if she would be that who I search for. Her. Her, Caitlin of Shallot.. she who will be the one in my heart forever. But even if she is not, I would do well to ride away the gallery of statues I now live in.

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