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Preparations for the Inevitable, Eternal Solitude -- 2003-06-06
My time with Talia del Monte is nearing an end. Her agenda is exactly the opposite of mine. While I search for Her, she tries her best to not be Her. And so, my time with her is now drawing to a close. I shall not seek to spend any more time with her. It has become a waste of time, a exercise in futility, the practice of hitting my head against a brick wall. There are times when you have to fight the good fight, press on while the odds are against you. This isn't one of them. No matter how hard I press, how hard I try, and how much I will it, nothing is going to bridge the differences between us. It's for the best. It is time to move on.

From her words I gather certain lessons, things that I didn't want to acknowledge. However, I think now that my former assumptions are true. I am doomed never to find Her. I shall go on searching for that which I can not find. I shall run, run, run and not ever reach a point where I can say I have run enough. I shall never, ever, find Her.

The time has come to make preparations for the inevitable, eternal solitude. The days of my life so far have been filled with so much to be thankful for. However, I understand that everything can't be perfect. For all that is right, there has to be a balance. My bane in this life is to have my reach exceed my grasp. Passion has been my heart's undoing. To love too much is my curse. I suffer from caring too much, wanting too much, and listening to my heart.

For so many things these are admirable qualities. Not in matters of the heart. I want to shut my ears off to the beating of my heart, so I could harden myself against the misery of opening your heart to someone who does not know the meaning of such a concept. To have an adamantine fortification around my soul, protecting it from that which would do it harm.

But I do not. I am not made of such hardness. Flesh is not rock, and my soul is not impenetrable. Inasmuch as these facts are true the only action I can take is to prepare myself for a everlasting, and overwhelming, loneliness.

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