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Without a want to Pursue -- 2003-07-30
I am in a place where the whims of the heart are placid, and where the sails that caught the wind of infatuation are furled. But not entirely. There is one that has caught my eye, but not my heart. I see her from a far, searching for an unforced moment to start a conversation with her. But it doesn't come easily, and so I wait. I am not sure why I covet that perfect moment that will never come. There are no perfect moments in which to interact for the first time. I should just go up to her and start a conversation with her. We shall see. Yet, though I want to talk to this girl I am not in any hurry to have this start. And by this I mean the path towards infatuation. A path that has taken me down to a place that I no longer wish to visit. A place where hearts, my heart, are broken. Somewhere where the soul wishes too much, and gets nothing. And, because of that disapointment the soul is chipped away, all the lesser for the journey.

Now I sit here wondering if I will attempt to talk to this girl from my class. Part of me has convinced myself that it's not worth it. She might be the most perfect girl in the world, but she won't be mine. I have suffered the slings and arrows of love's outrageous fortunes and been left on the ground to suffer. It is now a matter of self-preservation to maintain an indefinite moratorium on love. So perhaps I won't start what I would rather not finish.

The other day I started to doze off in class. In my attempt to stay awake I took out a piece of paper and wrote this.

!! Wake Up!!

Dressing the eyes for a slumber
burning inside my sockets
Heavy now, heavy
Everything is becoming a blur
So sleepy

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