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Bottles Bottled Up -- 2003-08-23
Dear Margaret,

You ever desire that you could hold on to a moment, place it in a bottle, and then return to it anytime you felt you needed to? I've had a multitude of those moments in my life. I've bottled them in a way, by remembering them over and over again, so that the memory does not fade.

I've mentioned it before, but it does seem strange how things around me seem to eerily relate to what I'm going through at any given moment. Case in point. I finished watching "My So-Called Life" just the other day. Lori said it right the other night when I mentioned that... "Oh no." I relate to that show too much I think. The show was about dreams, and unrequited love. Which brings me to the subject of Kat.

I had a Kat dream the other night. It was, in a word, depressing. Not the dream itself, but the aftermath. The dream itself was, a dream, a wonder. The short of it is that I was in some sort of large parking lot. It appeared like a parking lot at a mall. Yes, I remember walking by a store in the dream. A huge department store without a single window. You could just walk in and look at the clothes. I had no interest in the clothes. I walked across the open store and towards a structure in the middle of the parking lot. It looked to be just made of those gray cement bricks, nothing special about it. I remember walking around it to find a door. I seemed to have melted through the walls because I don't remember finding the door, or walking through it. There was a small group of people standing around, waiting in line for something. It looked to be coffee, but I'm not sure. I stood around, trying to get my bearings. I looked at the people, when I saw her, Kat. I walked up to her, and started talking to her. She smiled throughout our little conversation. I can't remember the details of what was said, but I do know that I professed my unrequited love to her. I remember telling her that I've never wanted to be with anyone but her. I remember her smiling and telling me that it was sweet. She took my hand and said nothing, but I knew what that meant. I couldn't see my face, but I could feel it hurt from smiling. Then I woke up. It was just a dream, and now I was back to reality.

I told Lori about this and she suggests that I find Kat and tell her how I feel. But really, it's pathetic to pine away for all this time. It is time to stop dreaming the impossible dream. The unbeatable foe is nothing, that's easy compared to forgetting your feelings. So, I won't look for her. It's a useless cause to even try and find her. What's the use? I'll just sit here, alone. OK?


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