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Utility Belts and "Friends" -- 2004-06-26
I need a utility belt. I carry too many things in my pockets. When I walk out my front door I have my wallet, cell phone, keys, digital camera, gum, spare change (rarely), and handkerchief. Try to carry all those things in a couple of pockets, but it never works out. It's just a mess, and a pain. So why carry all these things? Oh man, I just got a strange feeling of deja vu just as I wrote that previous sentence. But, now it's gone. Hmmm. OK, carry on. So like I was saying, it's a pain. The pockets I have on my pants are too small. And the pockets I have on the shorts I wear are too big. All these things swim in the short's pockets. They slosh from side to side, so there's always a chance that something might fall out. They don't all the time, but they do fly out from time to time. One too many times if you ask me. Hence me starting this entry by saying that I need a utility belt. Yeah, something not just to keep my pants up. But a cool Batman like belt where I could keep a Bat-light, Bat-antidote, Bat-cell phone, and Bat-keys. Oh well, a guy can dream.

I HATE FOOD. I hate eating. Everything tastes horrible these days. Nothing I eat has the same flavor that it once did. Food tastes so perfectly bland these days. Nothing I eat makes me jump for joy. Not that I was big on food. The Food Network shows nothing but cooking, and people eating food. But you know what? Nothing on that channel makes my mouth water. I'm not into food. I just see it as a complete waste of time. I wish I didn't have to ever eat another meal again. But, I know I HAVE to eat something. See, what I wish I could do is make some sort of flavorless bar that had everything I needed to survive. Just the right amount of nutrients, vitamins, and calories. As well as everything else I need to live. Yeah, all that in a tiny flavorless bar I could eat when I got hungry. Something I could eat on the run. Alas, such a wonderful product does not exist. Until I make it myself, I guess. Nah, that's too much of a hassle.

About a year ago this past February a friend of mine, Michelle Cayada, stopped talking to me. I'm going to borrow something a friend of mine wrote in her journal to make my point.

Anyways its weird when your best friends with someone and then you just stop talking suddenly and your never that close again, or your just acquaintances with someone but its part of your rountine and then they move or stop going there or something and then you dont see them and you miss it though it was never anything big anyways.

The first part applies to Michelle Cayada. We would talk at least once a day, sometimes more than once a day. Then, one day she stopped talking to me. At first I was hurt. Then that turned to anger when she would only call me when she NEEDED something. That told me that our so-called friendship was a one way street. She was never my friend. She simply saw me as someone she could take advantage of. That made me even angrier, because now I felt used. Because, that's what I was, used. I look back at her actions through the years and I wonder how I could have been so stupid to let myself be used like that. So, now about a year and a quarter after she stopped talking to me, I feel nothing towards Michelle Cayada. It's like that old friend you used to hang out with, but then you stopped haning out with them. Then years later your at some place like the market, or the bank, and you see them. And you pause because part of you wants to go over and say hello. But a bigger part of you sees them as something from a past you rather not revisit. That's how I'm feeling now. I don't want to look back, if I don't have to.

Which brings up another subject that I was talking to my Grandmother about... My current friendships. We agree that of the friends I have, I can truly only consider them just a notch above acquaintances. With a couple of exceptions, of course. Not that I consider that a bad thing. That's how I like it to be. I don't want to get too close to anyone. That may sound funny to read from a guy that so often talks about wanting to find someone. Yeah, but you know what? A relationship, friendship or otherwise, really isn't a priority to me right now. I see now that I'm certainly not a people person.

My best friend is my Grandmother. We talk about everything. We are closer than anyone else in my family. We spend more time together than anyone else in our family. We trust each other with our lives. I can't say that about anyone else. When she goes, I know that I'll never be able to say that again. Because, the truth is, no one every thinks of the other person first. No one every puts their own feelings, life, aside completely the way she puts it aside for me, and I put it aside for her. There are times I don't leave the house because she's going to be left alone. I don't mind it a bit. I rather stay home. Someone I know told me that it's a tremendous sacrifice to stay here with her. Catagorize it any way you want, but I'm staying. Sacrifice is something we don't know anything about anymore. It's always about me, me, me, nowadays. No one ever thinks about the other person first. Except me. That attitude has put me in the place I am right now, acquainted to a few people that I call friends... but they are far from being friends.

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