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Emotionally Drained -- 01.28.05
Dealing with my Grandmother being sick has brought me to a place I had never thought I'd reach. I'm feeling drained, emotionally drained. I never understood how someone could be so-called "emotionally drained". To me it felt as if it was some excuse, a cop out. Now that I'm experiencing this feeling, I know that it's not just a cop out. However, when things are low I don't let myself get too down. Sure, I might get frustrated, and want to throw everything in my room out the window.

It has taken me days to even write this entry. Every time I start it something happens. Something always happens, and I end up not writing it. This is perhaps the 5th time I've tried to write this entry in as many days. It's just so hard to put my jumbled feelings into words right now. This is the reason why I start and stop this entry.

It's just so frustrating to feel helpless in the face of my Grandmother's illness. There isn't much I can do to help her get better, except give her her meds, and try to take care of her needs. I sometimes fail miserably, and it makes me feel all the worse.

There are few moments in the day in which I'm able to just take a breath. Even in those moments I feel guilty about having that moment to myself. I feel that I should be with her even when she's asleep, and unaware of me being in her room. I just want to watch over her.

Tonight she asked me how much longer she had to be on the chemo therapy. She thinks that it's just a one time thing, and not a series of treatments. She said, "How much longer do I have to do this, because I don't think I can make it much longer." That put a dagger in my heart. I know that she's not feeling well. I know that she's not eating. I know, and there's nothing I can do. I can't force her to eat. I would love to be able to just feed her, but she doesn't want to eat. It's getting worse. She's becoming weaker, and her determination is waning. I want this nightmare to be over.

I just had a piece of chocolate, and it tasted like the most wonderful thing ever. Right now I could eat every piece of chocolate in the world. Course, it wouldn't make me feel any better.

Amora Simpatica, what would I do without her in my life right now? I told her the other day that I consider her the charger to my battery. She has become this bright spot in my life, that I find myself flying to for comfort. I think that fate has a way of placing people, things, in our path when we need them. It's like the Stone's song, you can't always get what you want. But sometimes, you get what you need. I needed Amora in my life, and here she is.

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