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Missing -- 02.14.05
The other night the whole family was sitting around the kitchen. Everyone was there, but then I had this overwhelming feeling that someone was missing. I looked around, and saw everyone, except my Grandmother. She is the one missing. Even with everyone here I feel alone. So in a sense I don't want anyone here, since if I'm going to feel alone, I might as well be alone.

And I rather be alone at this point. Having my family around sure hasn't help me feel any better.

(two hours later)
I'm sitting in a tire store as I write this paragraph. The thing is, I wasn't planning on being here, I should be getting my car smog checked. But, on my way into the place where they do the checks, I hit the curb, and flattened my tire. So, I had to change it. Of course, seeing that things can never be easy these days, the jack was rusted, and it would hardly budge. Also, I didn't have anything to loosen the nuts on the tire. It took me the better part of an hour to change one lousy tire. But, I'm here now, and the two new tires, and an alignment, will cost me in the neighborhood of about $200. Of course. Leave it to the universe to pile this cost on me while I'm now over $11,000 in debt. I think it could be more, but I don't even want to do the calculations to make sure. Suffice to say, the $6,000+ for the crypt my Grandmother wanted to be interred in, probably pushed my debt to more like $15,000. However, like I said, I don't want to think about that kind of money. Right now I just want to get my car, pay up, and going to the smog checking place. Oh, and I just hope that nothing goes wrong with it and I don't pass the stinking test. That would be a bigger disaster at this point. At least I thought far enough to bring my computer with me. At least I can write some stupid stuff here, that I'll post when I get home.

Tire stores are depressing places to me. Not to mention the horrible rubber smell that penetrates the air, and my nose, like a fist. Right now I'm trying to take in short breaths, so I don't take in too much more of the surly carcinogenic chemicals. The attendant said it would be another 20 minutes, and I'm hoping that the time flies. It usually does when I'm on the computer doing something. A whole day can melt away, and I hardly get anything done, when I'm on the computer. Computers a real time savers/time wasters. It's amazing how that is.

I tried to call a friend just after I got here, but they weren't home. Again, just another thing that goes wrong. Typical of today. I'll try to call her when I'm getting the smog check. I didn't want to use my cell because I'm running out of minutes. I'm thinking of switching from prepaid to month to month. I'll get more minutes to spend each month, though it will cost me all that much more. But, I'm not sure that it will cost me that much more. I refilled my minutes with $100 in the middle of December. By last week I was nearly out of those minutes I bought. I had about $6.00 left. In essence I spent $100 on cell phone calls in the last month. That's just crazy. As it works out on my phone $100 words out to about 800 minutes of talk time. The math works out to me saving something in the neighborhood of $70, if I continue to talk as much as I did this past month.

(an hour and a half later)
I'm back home, ready to post this entry. It's barely 4 p.m. and this day already feels like it's twice as long. But, I'm home now, and no one else is around. I'm super happy to be home, and alone. Whew. In a few I'll make myself a salad, and a pastrami sandwich, and then take the water out of my trunk. Although, maybe I'll do the trunk first, seeing as I'm not hungry.

The other day I ate a late breakfast, and then I ate dinner, no lunch. It was my dream day. When my family goes home I'll be able to not eat as much as now. There is this nasty habit that everyone has, and that's asking me if I want to eat. That automatically makes me think of food, which makes me hungry. If I don't think of food, then I just don't get hungry.

OK, time to get some stupid food, seeing as I've been talking about it for the last two paragraphs. I miss my Grandmother, but I haven't had the big cry yet. I did so much crying before she left that I wonder if I'm just cried out. I doubt it. I simply think that I haven't had the time to cry.

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