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Unincumbered -- 04.10.05
I miss my Grandmother. It has been a little over two months since she passed, and I miss her quite literally more each day. Since she passed away I've felt this growing apathy towards the world. Part of it has been good, in that I don't worry about little things anymore. At the same time I've come to not care about anything really. I have this completely detached feeling from everything, and everyone. Nothing really matters. Check that, my writing still matters to me. My artistic outlets, like my photography, matter to me. Everything else doesn't. I could lose everyone I know right now that it wouldn't make a dent in my emotions. I lost the person I cared most about. Any other loss pales in comparison, to the point that it would be nearly undetectable.

I feel that I am completely alone right now. The two sides of this represent a pendulum of emotions. On the one hand feeling alone is absolutely horrible. To know that you are alone, without anyone to lend a hand, is a bit frightening. On the flip side of that, being alone represents a freedom I have never experienced before. There is a line in one of my favorite movies that says, "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

I'm free do to anything now. I have no commitments, no loyalties, no dutiful requirements on my time, or person. I'm quite literally free. I especially like not having any loyalties.

I knew that after my Grandmother died that I would enter a part of my life where more of my darker tendencies would come out. What I didn't realize is how much I would enjoy those dark feelings. They feel as comfortable as the good feelings. Mind you, I still want, and need the good, but as with the yin and the yang, light can not exist without the presence of dark.

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