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Big feeling of Failure -- 04.13.05
Monday I called up one of the places that I put in a job application. I've been playing phone tag with this job for over a week, so I was happy to finally get the Human Resources guy on the phone. Well, he made me feel like a total ass, and then just blew me off saying, "We'll look at your application." I didn't say anything. What's there to say? His line is basically the equivalent of, "We'll call you." Which is the big kiss off, the you best find another job, line.

Something like that usually doesn't floor me, but for the rest of the day I slowly came up from a simmer to a boil. Buy the end of the day I was quite pissed off at the guy from human resources. I felt that he should have shown some decorum in telling me that I have no chance at getting the job. I don't know, it's just something I feel, but really the guy can be an ass and I can't say anything about it. All I can say is that the next time he calls I might have to remind him of the fact that he was a complete ass.

In my boiling something else happened... I started to doubt myself. Here I applied for some really simple job at some store, and I DIDN'T GET THE JOB! So either I'm not qualified AT ALL, or I'm over qualified. Course, it could be a combination of the two. Yeah right. I was talking to a friend about this, and it's funny how we both came to the same conclusion. That being that it seems like the dregs of humanity are hired, yet I wasn't. Almost makes me wish I was a dreg. Oh well. I say that now, but by Tuesday morning I was feeling like a dreg, mighty low.

Like I said before, I doubted myself. Not just doubted myself, but really doubted everything about myself. The logic was just as I said, if I can't get this simple job, while the dregs get it, then what's wrong with me? I like to think that I have more than just one skill. I like to think that I'm talented in my artistic endeavors, as well as just in general. But, I guess that's not good enough for anything, or so I that's how I thought on Tuesday.

That day was like climbing a mountain of self-doubt. The summit of that self-doubt, the thought that I would make nothing of myself. The doubt that I would ever get my work published, that my art would go unnoticed. Or worse yet, noticed once I'm dead. I think that might be a horrible curse. I want to be able to enjoy any recognition I might get while I'm alive. Because certainly after I'm gone I won't know any better. With a little help from Freesia Dulce, I was able to fight through the self-doubt. Though, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm over it completely. There is still a lingering doubt in me. I think it won't go away until I write something substantial.

On an entirely different subject, let me ask you all.. what is with everyone's obsession with food? I've said it many times here, I hate food. I hate eating. I realize the fact that there are those who would love to say that, for a multitude of reasons. Among those reasons would be: not having ANY food, the inability to not eat, or an obsession with being thin. I have none of those problems, and so my problem is not with the food itself. I rather enjoy food at times. I'm not all that happy when it's forced upon me. Left to my own devices I would probably eat two small meals a day.

Breakfast is said to be the most important meal of the day, but I am rarely hungry when I get up. Tuesday I was left to my own devices, and I didn't eat something until 2 p.m.. Then I ate something at around 7 p.m., that's it. Not big lunch, or big breakfast, or big dinner for that matter. And it's not like I didn't try to eat on purpose. The hunger pains didn't materialize until past 1:50 p.m., and then not again until just past 7 o'clock. Even then, I can't say that I was famished. When I do eat I have this habit of eating food super fast. I'm not one that likes to sit around after a meal to "let it settle." I HATE sitting after a meal. It's really the last thing I want to do. Ideally, I would like to finish eating and get up. My idea of enjoying a meal is to eat it, not let it settle. It is any wonder that I abhor being in a situation in which I have to sit around while other's still finish their meals, and then let them settle for an hour, or more?! No thanks. I want to, at the very least, get up.

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