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When it rains.... -- 07.29.05
Dear Margaret,

As if not having a cent to my name wasn't enough, in the last three weeks I have dropped approximately $3,000 in tuition and car repairs. I had to put my university tuition on credit, and the car repairs tapped my cash reserves. I'm penniless now and deeper in the hole to boot. Great... just great.

I feel so useless right now. I'm easily the smartest person in my family, but I'm also the least successful. I should be running circles around everyone in my family, yet in reality I've accomplished nothing.

For some reason things seem to be piling up in my life right now. Just as I'm nearing the end of my quest for my degree everything seems to be going wrong. It's like everything is falling apart at the exact same time. Bastard!

All this has happened since my Grandmother passed away. Everything changed after that day. As much as I put on a brave face the reality is that I feel absolutely horrible inside. I'm trying to push through the pain, but it doesn't always work. One moment I'm cursing God for taking her away, and the other I'm thinking to myself that death is the nature of things. Then I go back to cursing God for giving her cancer, and then I think to myself that God had nothing to do with it... mostly because there isn't a God in some heaven that cares what the hell happens to me. Why do I continue to think that there might be? Probably because I'm a stupid optimist.

I don't know why I still push certain things when I have come to understand the beauty of inaction. Sometimes I forget and I still try to make something happen that is very clearly not meant to be. I have to remember not to push things, and to just let things happen as they will. It's the only way to really go through life, but sometimes I forget that and I try to change things that can't really be changed.

I went to the beach on Monday, it was pretty damn cool. I haven't been to the beach in a good 10 years. Here's a picture of the shore along with some surfers and birds.

The family and I then went to Pann's restaurant. It's the first time I had ever gone. I have wanted to go for a long time now, especially because I love googie architecture. I wasn't disappointed because Pann's is a perfect example of googie architecture.

Oh, and the food was great too. I love a good hamburger, and the one I had at Pann's was really good. But, the tops was the super great onion rings. The next time I go I'm going to have to order a whole plate of them. The onion that they made the rings from must have been the size of a grapefruit because the rings were HUGE. Good times, definitely good times. It's late now; it's time for me to get some sleep. TTYL


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