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No talking -- 10.15.05
I'm sitting here, it's about quarter after 10 p.m. and I'm a little hungry. Now that you know that, go in peace and ignore me. It seems that everyone I know is not in a talkative mood just now. The last couple of days I've been nearly bursting to talk to people, or chat online, or anything involving communication. But, it would seem that no one is in a talkative mood. I guess these things happen huh?

I'm moments away from walking up the street and buying myself a double cheeseburger, and fries. Really I don't even want the fries, but I do want some ice cream. Only thing is, I don't like any of the flavors we have in the freezer right now. I guess I'm just in a cranky mood because everyone I've tried to start up a conversation with cuts me off. "Oh, I have to go right now because (insert lame excuse here)." Or how about the just won't respond to an IM I send move? Yeah, or respond once every 15 minutes. Yeah, that makes me want to stick around. It makes me want to just flee.

I should have done something today, other than sit around here not doing my homework. I should have gone out and taken some pictures, or something. Now I won't have a chance until next week. You know what it is? I rely on other's to dictate when I go out and do things. Someone will tell me, "Hey, want to hang out this weekend?" And I'll say, "Sure," but then no final plans are made. Next thing I know it's the night before and I feel strange calling because I will often get the whole, "How about we do that next weekend or something?" ARGH! Next week I'm going to the Huntington library in San Marino. Hell, I wanted to go this weekend, and a month ago, but I didn't. Next weekend I'm packing my messenger bag and going to take some pictures at the Huntington. I have the whole day planned out. I'll head off early and get to Pasadena in time to take a little shuttle that will leave me a few blocks from the Huntington. Then I'll take a million pictures there, especially of the Japanese garden. I found that there's a Tommy's nearby, so I'll eat there, jump back on the metro and go the central library downtown to pick up a Pre-Raphaelite book I've had my eye on for some time now. Maybe I'll drop off some of the books I have checked out. Then, I'll see what time it is and I'll either check out downtown, or go home. Hell, maybe I'll stop off before then and see some of the sights around the metro stops. I guess I just have this itch to be out of the house.

So the money situation continues to haunt me. For the last two weeks I've gone to class without any notion of buying lunch. Tuesday I hung out with a classmate during my lunch period. Her class was cancelled and we pretty much sat around talking about our stories. It was way cool. Anyway, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that was in my bad never came out until I got home. I can't afford to throw away $5 for lunch when the car needs gasoline. I'm thankful for the dollar menu many fast food places have, because otherwise I would never eat anything for lunch on school days. How sad huh? The only plus to this starving myself is that I'm losing weight. I knew that when my Grandmother would pass away that I would whittle away into nothing. It's happening for sure. She knew it too. She would tell me that when she was gone that I would probably get all skinny.

I miss her so much. Not having her around to talk to has been what hurts the most. We used to have nearly all day conversations. We had them until the second week of her being in the hospital. After the diagnosis of stomach cancer she just seemed to lose all hope. She knew that would be the end, and so did I. She never gave up, but I could tell that she didn't have the strength to fight this. She slept all day, and that kept us from talking, even while I sat next to her bed. Cancer has hit my family twice now. I've always had this strange fear that I would be shot in the head somehow, and that's how I would die. But the reality is that I'll probably end up getting the same cancer that took my Grandmother's life.

Man, how did I get on this sad subject? Oh yeah, no one wants to talk. Oh well, that's how things are I guess.

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