previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

Catch me now I'm misfiting -- 11.14.05
 
The days of my life seem to be getting more surreal. This year pretty much started with nothing but tragedy, and in the depths of sadness. I'm currently happier than I can remember in not just recent memory, but happier than any time in my life (contrast with what I'm going to say later on in this entry however).

Sure, I don't have two dollars in my pocket most days, but who cares about that? Sure, I'm drowning in debt, but who cares about that? I'm fucking happy dammit! Not having any money just makes me appreciate what I DO have dammit. I seem to be saying dammit a lot right now, so I'll move on.

Now, the contrasting aspect of all this happiness is the realization that I'm perfectly lost right now. What's amazing is that I think I'm doing a great job looking like I know what I'm doing. Yes, but really I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I've told myself that I'm not going to be the old Eric that over thinks things, and worries until his stomach is ready to burst. No, no more of that Eric, ever. So I've let myself go of that over thinking and I'm just acting. I still think, but I've told myself that if I ever think too much about something that the thing to do is break that pattern by doing what I'm thinking of doing.

If I'm thinking whether it's a good idea to ask a girl out in class, and I'm driving myself crazy wondering if I should or not, then I just go ahead and do it. Sure, it might end up being like diving into an empty pool, but I rather just take the dive and not think these days.

But really this strategy only fixes the lethargy aspect of my inaction. It doesn't address the fact that I really don't know what I'm doing. At the same time I don't find this to be such a bad thing though. I just had a thought that perhaps I'm supposed to hit bottom. I mean the tragedy of this year was that my Grandmother passed away. But I think that it will also serve as the point that I suddenly found myself acknowledging that I don't have a purpose. I think that I still have to sink lower to find who I am. I have to know even more sadness before I can appreciate joy. In other words, I've yet to hit bottom. What I thought was the bottom is just the lowest point to date, not the lowest point I'll reach.

I guess it's good that I know I'm lost. Maybe now I can start to look for myself. I have to understand that Iím not meant to fit in the round pegs of life. I am, as I was saying to Angelica Charla, amorphic--having no particular form/shape. I don't join clubs because, as Groucho used to say, I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Ah who knows, maybe I'm just a misfit. This whole weekend I've felt like a complete and total misfit, as well as loser. Devotchka del Lobo was saying that I'm not a loser, but she's just being polite. We share the loser status, and she knows it. Ah hell, I'm tired of this subject.

Moving on, my bastard friend, despite my multiple protests, brought me a pig a couple of weeks ago. Here, look at it yourself.

He's super tiny, but I'm sure he's going to grow to be quite big. The fact is I told my so-called friend that I DIDN'T WANT A PIG a million times. But, did he listen to me? No. He went against my wishes and bought me a pig anyway. Even though I was happy without a pet. I thought that if I were to get another pet it would have to be another duck, or a cat. NOT A PIG! My so-called friend called me today, but I didn't answer the phone. I don't want to talk to him right now. I want to figure out a way to get rid of this pig.

Next you have to file this under "what are they thinking?" I got a purse catalog, because you know that I'm such a purse whore. I have no idea how I got on the mailing list for this catalog, but I'm on it now. Hate to say it though, but I did see a pair of really nice purses. If I was a woman I would probably like to have the following out of the catalog.

Very stylish, don't you think? OK, it's time for me to get some rest for tomorrow. I have a long day pretending to know what I'm doing, and pretending to fit in. Wait, now that I think about it, I really don't do a very good job fitting in. If anything I do a terrible job fitting in. Hmmm, must be why I feel this way huh

previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

american ecstasy   /  diaryland