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Hitting bottom saves your soul -- 11.22.05
 
(7:18 a.m.) The moment I got out the door this morning I felt like today I was going to go through the motions. Don't ask me why I felt this way, I just did. Crazy stupid feeling to have, I know, but it was how I felt.

My car doesn't have heat anymore. The heating broke and my mechanic did a bypass in order to save me the money of a full repair. I thought I could live without heat, but now I'm really not liking the fact that I can't warm myself while driving. It's horrible to feel like you're bones are cold. Why must these things happen? Just now, I plugged in the power adapter into the cigarette lighter, and it was doing some funky stuff. Is my life slowly falling apart? Probably huh. Time to go to class.

(1:01 p.m.) I went to make copies, and then thought about getting a burger for lunch. I walked up the Burger Queen and saw a long line, and I walked away. So I'm sitting in the backseat of my car right now, listening to a podcast, and writing this sentence. I didn't get a burger for lunch; I didn't get anything for lunch. I rather not eat than eat something that I'm going to hate. Of course, right now, I'm starving, and my stomach is eating itself.

As I got to my car some dummy parked all sideways, so I had to go to the passenger's side door. Right there I walked right into a pile of banana. I hate the smell of banana, with a passion. I hate it to the point that I start to retch if I smell it. In cleaning up the bottom of my shoe, I had to breathe through my mouth in order not to catch a whiff.

My photo professor, Grafía Del Sol, said of my last photo assignment, "What is lacking, sometimes, is a sense of emotional attachment. You remain aloof from your subject." This is definitely true, and I think that my problem is that I'm actually a cold and detached person. I may be personable, but I'm also quite distant emotionally.

(4:42 p.m.) I don't want to be in this house right now. I want to go away, anywhere but here, and not come back. The affinity I had for this place is now gone, replaced with obligations, pretend attachments. My Grandmother was the last of my family. She has been gone nearly a year now, and I find that I have no affinity for this place anymore. To borrow a line from a favorite book of mine, I want to, "Burn the Lourve. I'd do the Elgin Marbles with a sledgehammer and wipe my ass with the Mona Lisa. This is my world, now."

(5:18 p.m.) I still haven't had anything to eat, even though I've been home for about an hour. I think I best get something in my stomach. Though at this point I'm pretty sure that it will hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish I didn't have to deal with this shit right now.

(6:56 p.m.) Finally had something to eat. I still want some chocolate though. The good thing is I saw that saw some chocolate ice cream in the freezer just now. I'm going to have some a little later. The first right thing in a long time just happened. The county reassessed the house because of a bureaucratic mistake, and upped the taxes by about $5,000 plus. I can't afford to buy stuff off the dollar menu, so there's no way my aunt and I are going to be able to pay $5,000 more in taxes. Thankfully, the solution to the mistake is on my desk right now. A little piece of paper that will show those idiots down at the assessor's office that the reassessment was wrong. HA! Eat THAT County! Wait, I'll save that until AFTER this problem is rectified.

I'm tired, and I want to drink an ice cold Coke. I SO NEED ONE RIGHT NOW.
End communication.

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