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It MUST be perfect -- 12.20.05

While making a couple of changes I found an envelope from the past, the 1998 visitor's guide to Prince Edward Island Canada. If you didn't know already I absolutely LOVE Lucy M Montgomery's "Anne of Green Gables" series of books. It's been so long since I read the first book but I still remember them. It's a little known fact but one of my fondest wishes is to go to Prince Edward Island to visit the land that inspired the books I love so much. Hence me getting the visitor's guide oh so long ago. Perhaps someday I'll get to go.

I might have to reread the books soon, or watch the great movie version that came out when I was... damn, when I was in my teens!

Picture of the Day, "Richfield Hall entrance."

I really like this desolate scene.

I'm pretty damn sick of going on my university's site to see what my grades are this semester. ARGH! Fuck it, I just stop checking. It's doing me no good to check ever day when the grades are very obviously not going to be posted until I stop looking. It's like watching a pot of tea. "They" say that a watched pot never boils. Having stood by a pot that refused to boil I tend to believe that old wives' tale.

Let me ask you a question. Is it wicked of me to want to be absolutely brilliant? I say this because I often mention to a friend of mine that I can't stand not being absolutely brilliant in my work/art (writing and photography). I'm compelled to strive to be absolutely brilliant, to have work that I consider genius. The most recent cases are what I wrote the other day, and my final project for my photo class. Both, I feel, were efforts that were anything but brilliant. They were pedestrian, and I wanted to smash my fists because they were completely not up to my standards. Actually, nothing is up to my ultimate standard (perfection), to tell you the truth.

Oh, you didn't know I'm a perfectionist? Sickening I know, because the perfectionists Iíve met have been arrogant and stubborn (to name two of their lesser qualities). So to call myself a perfectionist is to basically say that I'm arrogant (which I am actually), and stubborn (which I can be).

You know what also kinda sucks, the fact that I often do what other perfectionists do... I don't start projects because I feel that if they aren't going to be perfect then there is no use in starting. I've broken away from that A LOT in the past few years. But I still hold my work to a high standard. I am truly my own worst critic. There isn't anything I've done, anything I've written, that I haven't completely hated. Hell, I wrote a novel a couple of years ago and deleted it because I thought it was shit. I wrote for nearly two years, and had about 250 pages, give or take. But one day I sat down to read what I had written and I HATED it with a passion. I thought it was the worst thing EVER. So, after thinking about it for a couple of days I just told myself that I had to delete it. During those two days I thought about just doing a rewrite, and keeping what I thought was good. Then, I just said, "Fuck it, it all sucks," and it all went away. A friend of mine convinced me to put it on a floppy, which I did after much prodding from my friend. I was going to hand them the floppy, but they just said to keep it. I did, and I still have the floppy in my desk. My laptop doesn't even have a 3 1/2" drive, not that I need to see what's on that floppy anyway. I know it sucks. So yeah, there's a little insight as to what make me tick. I'm an arrogant perfectionist clock. LOL
End communication.

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