previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

Everyone's a Captain Kirk -- 12.30.05
(11:09 a.m.) Strange how the mind is capable of playing tricks on itself. The other night I thought of something that I wanted to tell my mother. I was in bed, and just as the thought of getting up circled in my mind another thought, a reminder, came to me. My mother has been dead for nearly nine years. Obviously I didn't go and tell her.

(9:43 p.m.) I don't know what it is but for some reason I'm all itchy today. Yes, I did take a shower. I take a shower every morning fool. I think I'm becoming allergic to the detergent we use. Funny, when I do the wash I don't get itchy. Hmmm, I wonder. Ah hell, maybe my house is infested with fleas. That's ALL I need to happen. ARGH! Is this year over yet?

Today's picture of the day is called "Grand Central Market."

(10:37 p.m.) So I was supposed to hang out with Talia del Monte today, but I made no extraordinary effort to contact her. As I took my shower this morning I thought to myself, "Why the fuck should I go?" Then I remembered the definition of insanity is to is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That is exactly what I'm doing, expecting a different result when I know that things are just going to be a replay of the first time around. So yeah, that did it. I didn't call, nor did I itch to call her. I am itchy, but not to call her. And really why should I? Things didn't really go that great with her. We are incompatible; it's as simple as that. Why the fuck do I BOTHER? FUCK! What compels me to think that maybe, by some magical transformation or something, things would be different this time? Oh yeah, because I'm stupid lonely. What the fuck is up with that shit anyway? Lonely is a state of mind right? Just like any state of mind. It's time I use some of my brainpower to deal with that particularly stubborn state. Just like how I got pissed off about being depressed and told myself to either wallow or get over it, that's how I'll deal with this. I'll either be the loneliest person on Earth, or the most content with being alone. I vote for the latter. What do you think? Oh, when I ask that don't give me shit like, "You'll find the girl for you soon." Not really interested in listening to that right now, seeing as I resolved myself to the fact that talk like that is superstition.

I drank half a bottle of Manischewitz last night. My aunt and I went to the market to pick up some ice cream, and she says to me, "We should pick up some Manischewitz to toast the new year." I love Manischewitz wine, so I agreed and grabbed a bottle. No, I'm not Jewish, but I can remember having Manischewitz in the house since I was a child. Hell, every Christmas my mother would let me have a little bit. Mmmm it was, and is, good. So last night we opened the bottle, my aunt basically saying, "What the hell let's celebrate early." Well a couple of minutes after the first class I downed another. Between the rest of my family the first half of the bottle went down the hatch. Then it was up to me to finish up the second half, which I did. No, don't start to think I'm a lush, or that I'm going to turn into a lush. This is the first drink I've had in over a year, if not two years. Honestly, I'm so not a drinker. Except for Manischewitz I really don't like alcohol.

So tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Guess what I'll be doing... same thing as always, nothing. Last year new years was a non-event seeing as I was basically taking care of my Grandmother on her deathbed. I'm still not over the pain and bitterness of the events surrounding my Grandmother's illness and subsequent death. I am resolved to the fact that whatever happened happened. This is not to say that any of it was MEANT to happen. I don't believe in that "MEANT to happen" shit. I just believe that whatever happens does happen, not because it was or wasn't supposed to happen. There is no absolute destiny, just like there's no absolute morality. OK, I'm getting too philosophical here I should really just stop this entry and get to working on something for my homepage.
End communication.

previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

american ecstasy   /  diaryland