|(1:21 p.m.) WOW! I just finished watching a great game (Colts vs. Steelers). The playoffs have been good, but a bit bland until today. The Colts Steelers game is why I watch sports. There was such a swing of emotion the last couple of minutes of the game, and I'm not even a fan of either team. I'm just a fan of the drama sports can bring. Take a look at this graphic from the NY Times showing what happened in the last five minutes of today's game.
Words really do fail to portray the emotional swings that occurred in this game. And remember, I'm not even rooting for either of these teams. But the play was so dramatic that I couldn't help but get so into it. In short, if you missed this game you missed a hell of a game, and I'm sorry for you. Because life is so absolutely wonderful, even when something horrible happens.
I told a friend once that when my Grandmother passed away I felt the biggest sorrow in my heart. But at the same time I didn't fight that sorrow, I embraced it fully. I didn't want to push it away, I wanted to face it completely and unflinching. Not to stare it down or anything like that. But simply to embrace it like you might embrace joy. Because I wanted that feeling to be a part of me. I didn't want to turn away from even the horror of that moment. And you know what? I felt... well better isn't the word I want to use. I felt... alive. More alive at that moment than at any other moment in my life.
(5:21 p.m.) You ever pick up the phone and instantly say to yourself, "Why the FUCK did I do that?!?!" I seem to be saying that ALL THE TIME lately. Two people in particular make me cringe when I hear the phone ring, but they shall remain nameless for the moment. Let us just both drive me nuts these days. The reason for one of them drives me crazy is that they NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY. It's always the same damn thing with them, and I can only take the same subject for so long before I simply want to burst. I say this to the person that calls me, "Get out of the fucking house and do something interesting. I don't want to hear about the SAME thing EVERY time we speak!" ARGH! Again, the rhetorical question I ask is, why the fuck do I even bother answering the phone. I think I'm going to have to just give up on answering the phone and have the answering machine pick up the calls. I'll call the person back if I want to talk to them.
In my attempt to not be so anti-social I took some time last night to write to a bunch of people. Not everyone on my list got an email, unfortunately. So if you're one of the ones that didn't get an email I'll try to write you this week. It's just that I've been unwilling to be social lately.
I have this love/hate thing with change. Part of me hates any kind of change, and will fight to have things stay the status quo. Another part of me embraces change not just as a necessary thing, but as a great opportunity. I bring this up because yesterday I went through my IM buddy list and deleted a bunch of people that I don't speak to. Some of them I only keep on my list so that I can permanently block them. Last night I just "fuck it" and embraced change.
This was my desk last night and tonight actually. That strange glow in the middle of the picture was my desk lamp hidden behind the blinds. Why did I do such a thing? I don't know exactly. I think I did it to defuse the light a bit. Again, the anti-social thing comes up because part of this is my aversion to light. The other day I was happily eating dinner practically in the dark. There was a little light coming from this lighted cabinet my aunt has in the dinning room. Well damn if my aunt doesn't come in and turn on the room lights. ARGH! I wanted to run over and turn the lights off right there and then. The rest of my meal was basically ruined and it was all because those damn lights where turned on. I don't know, maybe I'm part bat or something because there are times when I just don't like the lights being turned on. I rather like the dark, so sue me. Hence me having a black room. Ahhhh darkness... how I feel at home in thee.