(10:09 p.m.) Sunday night here, watching a little TV after the historic Laker game in which Kobe Bryant scored 81 points. Sick, super sick performance tonight by Kobe. I missed most of the first half because the Lakers were losing, and I was eating dinner. Which brings me to another point, I haven't had a satisfying meal in a LONG time. And what I mean by satisfying in this case has nothing to do with the size of the meal, but rather with the taste. I honestly don't have much of an appetite these days. It was OK when I didn't have an appetite last year because I wouldn't get hunger pains. Not the case this time around. I get super hungry, but then I think of what I want to eat and I sometimes want to throw up. Oh man, just thinking of what I had for dinner just now made me a little sick. ARGH! Why don't I just wither away? Wait, that's exactly what's happening. Duh! Yup, withering away into whatever. ARGH, this damn food thing has me in a mood right now.
A week from tomorrow is the first day of the Spring semester. I'm going to have to be extra clever to get through it. Much more clever than last semester. I found out from a classmate that the girl that got really angry at me is going to be in one of my classes. I HATE conflict, and will avoid it at nearly all costs. But then, in true yin/yang fashion, there's another part of me that loves a good argument. Not a fight, but a good argument, and this situation has great argument written all over it. I'm probably going to be subject to angry looks across a classroom, but part of me thinks it might be OK. I know, how strange huh. I'm sure that when I'm actually confronted with those dirty looks I'll think differently, but until then it's pleasant.
(11:06 p.m.) Iím craving a Coke right now, but I am not allowing myself to have one. Even though I've cut down significantly the amount of soda I drink over the past year, I find that there are times when I tell myself, "Just half a Coke is OK." Well it's not OK.
Two thousand six is the year I say good-bye to wants. I've done a good job, through meditation, of getting away from wanting material possessions, but now I have to work on the immaterial, such as desire.
There is one desire, that shall remain nameless, that I have had for a very long time, but that I have been a complete failure at achieving. I've tried to combat the problem in many different ways, except the new way I do things. The new strategy is to try everything, and then if that fails go around the problem. Find a solution that works, but that also avoids the main problem. So, in the spirit of avoiding the problem my new motivation is to purge myself of desiring this certain thing. One of the noble truths is that life is suffering. Suffering can come from wanting, remove the want and there is no suffering. So this year I'm removing the want. I've wanted this, and failed, tried again, and failed, and tried yet again, and again, and countless times and failed. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that to try again is insane. I can't continue to do what I've been doing and hope for a different outcome THIS TIME. So yeah, that's what I'm going to do.
This morning I was super cold. My hands and feet were falling off, so I went to my dresser and took out the first pair of gloves I could find. This is what one of the gloves looked like.
How very nice, don't you think? Damn, how sorry is that? I wore them anyways, seeing as it would be the last time I did.