I haven't had the time to update lately, but there's so much going on. Firstly let me start in the past. It has been nine years since my mother passed away. Nine years! It seems impossible that so many years have passed. But then again it's only been a year since my Grandmother passed and it seems impossible that it's been that long as well. Both of their deaths still feel as if they happened a short time ago. Not days ago, but certainly it feels like no more than months. Nine years is a long time. I never thought I'd make it this long without both of them.
In that time I've changed so much. Hell, in the last five years my life has done a complete 360. Correction, in the last two years my life has done at least a couple of 360s. This past year has taught me more lessons than the previous five though. One of the biggest is that people aren't in the same place I am. There are so many fucked up individuals in this world, you know.
Case in point the people I work with. There is really only one cool person in the lot. Everyone else seems to be walking around like an embittered zombie. I blame their willingness to conform. I've never been all that good at that, even when I've WANTED to conform. I simply don't fit in, and while I used to think of it as a bad thing I see if differently now. I like that I don't fit in anywhere. Being a misfit isn't a bad thing after all, as I just said a moment ago. It allows me a certain level of detachment when I need it. Because all I have to do is be myself and my misfit tendencies will take over. Voila!, I'm outside of the situation looking in. This misfit status helps me become invisible as well. If I don't try to make myself seen I can disappear into the background.
So back to work... everyone seems to be a zombie. They're all bitter about being stuck there for so many years. Like they never thought that this job would be permanent. But then one day they turned around and found that they had been at this job for five years. Conformity, that's what does it.
People love someone who is independent because they wish they could be like them. Everyone follows the trend, the hot topic of the moment.
I feel sorry for all of them, but at the same time I tell myself that I have to not get trapped by the same thing that trapped them. But in the nine years since my mother died I could have gotten trapped by conformity a LOT of times. Thankfully I never fit in anywhere enough to consider a place to be completely homey. I can't imagine working this job for more than a few months. I want to find something to do over the summer, another job that I can continue through the next couple of semesters.
I'm trying to catch up with my studies, but I honestly don't have the time. I should be doing something right now but I'm just too tired read. The other night in the last class of the week my professor got a little snippy with me. She asked some of the students to raise their hands if they went to this rally that they had last week. Now she mentioned it because about 75% said they were going to go if the professor let us out early. She asked everyone that night, "who is going to go to the rally next week?" A bunch of hands went up, but certainly not mine. I had zero intention of going, and I wasn't going to lie about it in order to leave class early. Now do I want to leave that class early? Certainly, especially since it sucks so much. I mean this class is such a throwaway class. But again we have a case of people conforming and allowing this to happen. If I could I'd love to just tell this professor what I really think of her stupid class. Maybe I'll write it here instead.
Firstly the readings suck big time. They are often redundant, and more often than not completely boring. My biggest problem with this class is the time spent on grammar review. I am amazed how many of my fellow students don't know how to write, or of the rules of grammar. I could do all the grammar review things in two seconds. They're fundamental stupidity. Yet we still spend some 20 minutes per class talking about our grammar review. It's such a waste of our time. I say, if someone doesn't know English grammar rules by the time they're a junior in college it's time to just give up.
So back to my point that I started on before. The professor asks how many people went to the rally. Now mind you some literally 25 people raised their hands saying that they would definitely go. Two people raised their hands this week, as opposed to 25 or so last week. Where did they go then? I'll tell you, they went home like I did. Only I wasn't a hypocrite about it. When I saw the two hands raised I said, "That many huh." It wasn't that loud, but loud enough that the professor heard it. She turns to me and says, "Don't do that." I wanted to tell her to shove it up her ass. That and her stupid seating chart idea. Yes, I'm a junior in college and I'm still subject to a stupid seating chart. Again, it's a brainless move. But the world is brainless, and does everything backwards because it's the way someone else did it.
Only three weeks until Spring Break and a little bit of freedom. I'm planning on taking myself out the four days I have off. If anyone that knows me wants to hang out one of those days just tell me. Drop me an email if you might want to go to the Aquarium of the Pacific or the California Science center because those are two of the places I want to hit on my four days off before I have to work that weekend at the conformity factory.