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Long entry deluxe -- 04.21.06
The last couple of days have been super long. Yesterday I had class all day long, with my two boring classes nearly back to back. I say nearly because I have about an hour break between them. But that hour does nothing to alleviate the boredom I feel during both classes. Especially boring is my English 369 class, which starts at 4:20 p.m. and ends a few minutes before seven o'clock. My point is that it's a long day without any added surprises. But then yesterday I had an added surprise. When I got home I checked my phone messages and found two calls from my Father, who lives in Bakersfield. He says in one message, "I'm here in Los Angeles, I'm going to Mexico tonight, can you take me to the airport for the midnight flight?" I call him right away and it turns out that he's going to go because he needs medical attention. He doesn't have insurance here, so when he's not feeling well he flies down to Mexico and gets treatment there. He was just there in March, but when he came back he didn't feel 100%. He felt so bad that about two and a half weeks ago he was admitted to a local hospital, where he spent nearly two weeks convalescing and having various tests run on him. See, it's his heart that's causing him problems now. I've never seen him as sick as I saw him nearly three weeks ago. The last time I was in the ICU was last year when my Grandmother passed away. So I don't have fond memories of ICUs. Who would? So I saw him last night, weak as can be, trying to walk down the flight of stairs at my Grandmother's apartment and I just felt so horrible. I felt that he might not make, and that this was going to be the last time I saw him.

There was a feeling that I always got when my Grandmother got sick enough that I had to take her to the hospital. It was a feeling of impending doom, a horrible foreboding that she wasn't going to make it. The thing is she always came out of the hospital relatively healthy. The only time I didn't feel that horrible foreboding was the night before she died. I didn't feel a bit of anxiety, and that's when I knew she was going to die. Last night there was no foreboding feeling when I saw my Dad. Now I'm not saying that it's just because I have a feeling I'm not going to see him again. Perhaps what I'm saying is something else. I'll admit that our relationship has been a distant one. We've tried to bridge the gap, but having him live 100 miles to the North sure doesn't help when it comes to growing closer. So perhaps it's just that I don't have that attachment that I had with my Grandmother. You have to know that I grew up with my Grandmother. So I knew her longer that anyone else in my life, including my Mother who passed away nine years ago. So losing her was the hardest blow, a terrible feeling of emptiness that I've had to deal with since she passed away. I tell myself that her death is probably the one that will still be more painful than any other death. My mother's death was tragic, but having history repeat itself with my Grandmother just made it her death all the more tragic. And the fact that I fought so hard to have her still die makes it all the more difficult. But, her death taught me that whatever is going to happen will happen. That's different from the thinking that whatever is meant to happen will happen. Don't confuse those two different ideas. So yeah, that's what's been happening the last two days.

On some lighter subjects, school is just about over. Summer is coming up, but there's no way I'm going to be going to Summer school. I want to look for another job, write all the pent up things and ideas I have in my head, and I just want to relax a bit. I've become the designated cook in the house now that one of my Aunts went to Mexico. I think I'm a decent short order cook, but I need to expand my menu. I wish I had the time to cook. I really love Italian food, but I don't have that much experience with cooking Italian food. A couple of weeks ago I made some homemade pizzas for my Aunt and I. I made them too thick, which sucks because I rather like thin crush pizzas. My problem was not having a rolling pin, and not having a lot of experience tossing pizza dough. Still, I added a little something to some store bought tomato sauce and I was pretty happy with the outcome. Then I made some meatballs with fennel and oregano. I love what a little fennel does to the taste of anything Italian.

OK, I've been carrying on this ongoing debate in my head about whether to ask this girl out that I like. I was pretty much set on not asking her for various reasons. But then I saw her the other day and I just plopped. I'm liking her all the more and it's really stupid that I am. First off I don't know if these feelings are not just phantom feelings I'm getting because I'm feeling a bit lonely and she's a pretty girl. Second, I really don't have the time for a love life, as sad as that sounds. If not now then when though? After I'm done with school? That's a long time to wait. Third, there's a good chance I'll be shot down if I do ask her out. That's actually the least of my worries, I'm almost more worried she'll say yes and I'll have to figure out a way of squeezing her into my schedule.

I think I'm just super lonely right now. My aunt and I pretty much lead our own lives. When my Grandmother was alive I basically put my life on hold because I wanted to help her. Even before she became very ill she needed my help. I became that extra help she needed, and I didn't mind it one bit. But now she's gone and I'm left to my own devices. And yes, I'll repeat it; I'm rather lonely right now. So perhaps this little infatuation with this girl, who I should really have a nickname for at this point since I have been writing about her for the last couple of months, is just that an infatuation. Still, I could do much worse than Any Wonderland (as she'll know be known). She has some very fine qualities, among these are: beauty, intellect and amiability. That is a combination one rarely finds these days. So yeah, the time for me to ask her out is passing and my chick shit ass will probably leave it until the last minute when I hope the sting will be lessen by the reality that I might not ever see her again. Wow, the horrible sadness of that last statement just hit me.

I think it's time for my picture of the day. Today's picture of the day is entitled "Reflection in the Window."

Could this entry get any longer? Yes it can. It's nearly my bedtime but I want to show you some pictures I took on Thursday. The first is of one of my classmates. She was eating one of those Uncrustables when I decided to take a picture of her of the whole event. She turned around just as I took the picture, and here is the result.

The next picture is of a couple of my other classmates. Laura has a lot to say, and Zach (looking up towards me and my camera) is sitting behind her listening intently.

After class he told me that his look was a "What the fuck?" look because he wondered why I was taking pictures. Hey, I'm a photographer that's why I'm taking pictures.

This next picture is another one from my morning class, which I should have said includes the previous two pictures.

We broke up into groups to talk about a couple of stories we read. I should note that Any Wonderland is in this picture. Can you find her? Can you guess where she is in the picture?

This next picture is of my own hand, left hand to be exact. I drew a happy face on it because I'm happy.

One of my co-workers told me that she likes my attitude because I'm so cheerful and happy. Believe me, when I'm at work I sometimes feel pretty miserable. But then I have a few things that I think about that help me deal with anything. First I think about how as bad as life might be I'm lucky to be alive and healthy. If that's not enough I think about the beauty in the world. One of the reasons why I take so many pictures is because I want to capture the beauty in the world. It's like that line in American Beauty that talks about how video is a poor excuse for the real thing, just as photography is. But at the same time having a photograph of a moment of utter beauty is so much better than just having a memory. Memories can fade, but if you have a photograph you have that memory forever. OK, this entry is ultra super long now. I honestly still have a lot to talk about, but it will have to wait until later.
End Communication.

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