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And so it goes -- 05.16.06
Have you ever wanted something so bad that your only hope is that it will happen? Right now, on the eve of a question I propose to ask, I'm wanting the answer to be yes. The worse part is how this want is making me feel. Over the last few years I've followed the path of the Buddha and have sought enlightenment and the release of want. So this overwhelming WANT is making me feel a great many things that I don't want do feel. But I ask you, how am I supposed to reconcile myself to the inevitable NO that's coming and will hit me when I round the next corner? Because it's bad enough wanting, which is the root of all suffering. But now I'm having to deal with that suffering in spades because of what I suspect will happen with a pose the question.

I sit here tonight writing these words, spilling my guts out, knowing that tomorrow I'm going to get my brains caved in by another NO answer to my question. Yet, like a condemned man I'm going to go through the motions because it's all I CAN do. And I'm playing David Bowie's "Heroes" over and over again because the melody fits my feelings perfectly right now... and there is no God in heaven, or Devil on Earth... just this unfulfilled longing in my heart right now that someone should just be lucky enough to have... but no one wants what I'm willing to pour... and it makes me think of how must more it grows instead of atrophying... and how someone will be very VERY lucky if they ever just opened their eyes and accepted it.

Because I'm going to tell you something right now that you may already know... I don't know how to do things 50%. With me it's either 0% or 100%. I will either be indifferent to something or pour every bit of my heart into something. Right now I should be finishing up some homework, but instead I'm wallowing here writing this stupid journal entry that won't get me anywhere. And I think back to a time in the recent past when someone made a point of reaching out and then something happened and... well no use boring you with that because basically they decided to go another way. It's their loss because here's something that I've proven in the past... I would have been hopeless devoted.

It's late and I should really get some sleep now.
End Communication.

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