|I've wanted to update here for a while, but I've been up to some other things and I haven't had the time. Hell, I don't really have the time now, it's midnight, I have to wake up early tomorrow, and I'm not sleepy.
I guess I should start talking then instead of explaining. OK, so the theme for this week has to be lack of focus. Hell, let's just restate that, the theme for this year, this past decade, my entire life, could be lack of focus. Tuesday I went to that interview at Warner Bros. and got shot down because I "Lack focus." Shit man, what the fuck does that mean? So if someone wants to do everything they lack focus huh. Fucking shit bastard mother-fuckers! I am damn tired of hearing that not focusing on one thing means lacking focus. You know, maybe I'm trying to be a Renaissance man and not just be good at one thing. But yeah, since everyone else is a specialist I guess I have to be that too. Hell, I don't know anymore, I don't know anything anymore.
I needed to clear my head today so I decided to go to the Norton Simon museum in Pasadena. I haven't been there in such a long time that I honestly don't even know if I have gone.
I took the Metro and saved my dying car the trip. The museum was pretty damn good. I gravitate more to the modern works, the older works seem to lack life to me. They're technically great, but at the same time there seems to be little life in them, little passion. The modern works the Norton Simon has reads like a who's who of modern art: Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet, and so on and so on. I rented the Van Gogh bio pic "Lust for Life" this week. I haven't had the time to watch it yet, but it's on my list of to do things for tomorrow night.
I lingered in the modern section and stared at the masterpieces, then walked the gardens in solitude. I've life alone for so long I'm not even sure how I could open my life for someone else to share it with me. That doesn't seem to be a problem though, seeing as no one really wants to be around me all that much. I guess my whole life has been a big set-up for getting used to being alone.
The other day I was hit by a wave of loneliness. It's not something I experience often, which I guess is a good thing. Still, it was a huge wave and I thought about how I don't really have friends that I hang out with all the time, nor do I have any one person that I instantly call when something happens. I do have friends, but the other day I thought about who I would consider my best friend and I couldn't come up with an answer. I don't really have a best friend right now. Damn, now that I'm writing about this the wave of loneliness hit me again. I best just deal with it and wallow in it for now. It's not a good thing to feel this lonely because I honestly don't have a way of fixing it. The friends I have understand that I'm not very good at keeping the ties tight. I'm aloof, I'll admit it. I'm passionate but strangely disconnected. Maybe that's the vibe people feel when they become my friend and why they eventually walk away.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine hung the phone up on me in mid sentence because we had an argument. You know I haven't thought of that person until now? I must be such a cold person to just forget about this friend like that because of an argument. I was able to just forget about them and continue my life as if nothing happened and that amazes me.
It's funny, I asked Any Wonderland out hoping she would say no. Don't get me wrong, part of me wanted her to say yes because I was ready to just hit her with a wave of passion and love that might have just drowned her. Course, that's not a good thing if you think about it. On the other hand I knew she would say no for various reasons, and I was happy she did say no. Because part of me could care less and really can't make room for her in my life. Sounds like a paradox huh? I don't know, maybe I do lack focus on everything. What a miserable life I have set myself up for.
A few months ago I thought I had made a new friend, but that also fell through. Now when I see this person I feel like gum on the bottom of her shoe. I feel as if my presence isn't welcomed. So what do I do? I reach out despite being a pariah in her book. I honestly just set myself up for these things don't I?
I hope to meditate the need for anyone ever out my life because the way things are going it's what's going to end up being my lot in life. Not only do I lack focus, I am Mr. Anti-social with a twist of pariah for flavor.
Lacking focus as I do I'm going to move back to my mini-adventure today. There was a list of "Best Burgers in L.A." done by some magazine a few months ago and I've been trying to visit some of the places that supposedly have great burgers. I went to Father's Office (said to be the best burger in town) in Santa Monica with some friends a few months ago. Sure enough it was a damn good burger. Maybe not worth the hour wait that it takes to get it because there are so many people in the little bar that serves it, but really tasty. On my way back to the Metro I realized I was getting hungry and would never make it home with the hunger pains I was dealing with. Also, there's this great place called The Hat a few stations down the line that I usually go to when I'm in the Pasadena area. But I wasn't in the mood for pastrami. My aunt bought some pastrami and I had three sandwiches in the last week already. Thankfully I remembered that there was some place on California ave. and Lake st. that had some great burgers supposedly. So I took the bus down there and walked about 3/4ths of a mile to this placed called "Pie 'n Burgers."
I bought a typical burger, fries, and a shake meal. The burger was damn good, if not a little small. I was hungry enough to eat two of them, but I only had enough cash for one. Also I didn't want to look like a total slob ordering two. Maybe next time I'll ask them to make mine a double. The burger is pretty straightforward, nothing fancy, buns, lettuce, 1000 island dressing and cheese. But the whole is better than the sum of its parts. The buns were toasted just right. The dressing was tangy, but didn't overpower the meat patty, which was tender and juicy. It was a damn good burger. I'm certainly going to go there again, but like I said before, next time I'm going to ask them to make mine a double.
I polished off my meal and walked back up to Colorado to take the bus to the Metro station. On my way back I listened to my music blasting my eardrums as I wrote the noisy subway home.
I don't know why I don't just resolve myself to being alone for the rest of my life, seeing as that's what how it's going to be anyway. Yeah, I think that tomorrow I'm going to make it a point to just stop hoping for some sort of connection with anyone because it's just not in my nature to have that sort of thing I guess. People like me, but at the same time they eventually find that they're just as happy without me around as they are with me around. Last year I was a bit of a hermit and it worked for me. I traveled the rails alone, having fun without having to answer to anyone. I think I should focus on my solitude and my art and that's it.
Hey y'll you won't have to worry about pretending to like my company because I don't really care if you do or you don't.