Tomorrow is my last final and it can't come soon enough. This week has been a tough one for me emotionally. For the last few days I've been missing my Grandmother a LOT. It was around this time two years ago that I brought her home from the hospital knowing that it would be our last Christmas together. The last gift I ever gave to her was a book of my photography. I worked so hard on it, getting it ready for the day that she would open it. Little did I know that I would have to give it to her early because of the circumstances. So now with all the stupidity of this semester's dumb classes almost behind me I think of that which is truly important to me, and how much I miss her.
Christmas has not meant much to me for a long time. I don't hold to those traditions since I am a Buddhist, and because I feel that the holiday has been corrupted. So even though I could join my family in the celebration, despite the fact that I don't follow that religion, I find that I can't in all honesty. To me the real meaning has been gone for a long time. And I can't really celebrate something that I no longer feel any glee towards. When I'm almost killed 20 times a day on the road because people just HAVE to get that brand new toy, or "just the right gift," that to me is the corruption of what Christmas is supposed to represent. It's also the meaning of what Christmas has become, nothing but an excuse for people to pretend that they're good. Inside the people who push someone to get a stupid pair of socks that are half off, or shot someone to get a video game, are nothing but evil. Their true nature comes out this time of year, even as we're supposed to be celebrating the supposed birth of our supposed savior.
So it's the people who have caused me to just say fuck it, and not want anything to do with this holiday. And meanwhile I couldn't stop crying this evening as I walked to my car after my final. I couldn't stop thinking how much I miss my Grandmother and Mother. How all this effort to pass my classes and get my degree is because of a promise I made to my Grandmother. And I can't forget that she isn't going to be here to share in the end result of that promise. It partly makes the whole thing a little worthless, but not really.
I plan on graduating this coming spring, if all goes well of course. I'm not planning on showing up for the graduation because the only person I want there isn't here anymore. So I'll make up some story to my advisor and to everyone else why I don't want to go to graduation like, "Hey, they just give you a fake paper... you get your diploma in the mail," and shit like that to not have to explain the real reason. So if you know me and you come up to me and ask me why I'm not going to graduation it's because I really don't want to, not because of any other reason. I don't need to broadcast to the world that I've graduated, I just need to know it myself. It's a little hard to explain.
This has, I will say again, not been an easy semester to wade though. My classes have pretty much sucked. The bullshit that I've had to deal with from my stupid classes has paralyzed me into this place where I don't write anymore, where I don't even WANT to write. To I've retreated into my photography and found it to be my glen of tranquility. Yet, after all this an idea has come out that I need to write about, and the cycle continues, if you will. I won't remember this semester for the stupidity of the classes, but rather for the fun I had with the library bunch. That's another little sanctuary that I've found in this horrible semester, the library. I return to it because it is my center, a place where I can be.
I like to think that the world is like that song by the Rolling Stones that says something to the effect that one gets not what they want, but what they need. I'm not sure how I needed to have my ass kicked by a bunch of fool classes, only to say that being in those classes taught me that the world is more bullshit than anything else. But I feel that I really needed the job at the library to anchor me this semester, to keep me from totally losing it.
On my way home the sunset was once again the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
OK, so maybe it wasn't the most beautiful, but it was beautiful. I thought about how lucky I am to not just be alive, but lucky to be able to appreciate the moment. I used to want to hold that moment and never let it go, which never works. I've learned that it's best to be in that moment for as long as it lasts, and then let it go when it's no longer there. It's easier said than done, since I'm still learning to let go of the pain of losing my Grandmother. I know that's something that won't go away however. What I need to do is, well, there's a lot I need to do. Like right now I need to get some sleep. Last final tomorrow, for a class I paid no attention in. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.