(6:54pm) Iím on my way home from Downtown L.A. after taking an aimless trip to the center of the city. But is there really a center to this city? Thatís another story for another time though. My aimless trip took me to Downtown, as I said before, the library to be exact. Earlier in the week I read an article in the NY Times that got me thinking about a few things. The story quoted a story by John Updike called ďPigeon FeathersĒ about a boy who wonders about his death. The story is a simple one, but it makes one think, at least this one. Not so much about death but rather about changes since Iím about two and a half months away from graduating (hopefully). Now that I write that last line and it goes to my mindís voice I think to myself about how I always say hopefully after saying Iím going to graduate. I think that part of me would rather not, if only because graduating would mean facing the real world without the protective cocoon of school to fall back on.
Still, Iím pretty tired of school at this point and all the bullshit that happens there. Basically all these classes I've taken in English end up coming to the conclusion that NOTHING matters and that EVERYTHING is bullshit. ARGH ! Couldn't they have just told me that on day one without having me go through all that other shit? Then again, I wonder if I would have believed them at that point. I needed to endure the bullshit in order to comprehend it.
So yeah, itís ALL bullshit. Today has me thinking a lot about everything. I've been wondering what itís really all about and come up with the same thing every time I think it out... itís all bullshit. Ha, funny how I didn't realize it until now. There isn't any meaning to life except what we put into it. Thatís the key, what we put into it, mind you. Religion tries to put some meaning into the meaninglessness of our lives and pretty much fails (in my eye). Explaining the unexplainable by making up some impossible story doesn't mollify the question.
Thereís this girl I like at school. I just meet her about two months ago and already sheís got me in her web. If you saw and knew her you would know why Iím entangled as I am. Anyone that comes within her sphere is quite likely to be pulled in by her beauty inside and out. Itís that simple. I was on my merry Newtonian way when I came upon this body in space and was pulled towards it.
Meanwhile I realize that the attraction to her goes beyond being in her vicinity, itís a symptom of me needing something new and wonderful. I can honestly say that part of my thinking lately has been focused on Kat and how much I miss her, and how much I regret failing miserably with her. I failed through no conscious fault of my own, but my fault nonetheless. It was an inherited fault, mine and yet not my fault. There was NOTHING I could have done to have changed the outcome of that encounter. What is meant to be is meant to happen, and no amount of wishing can change that fact.
The pointlessness of this day just came to me as I boarded the bus home. I thought about going up to San Francisco this coming week since Iím on Spring Break, but I think I wonít. I know that where I need to be isn't a place itís a state of mind. I need to change whatís happening in my mind, my life and change it from pointless to pointed. Step one is to stop giving into the bullshit. Life is a misery for everyone because we hold back who we are in order to not rock the boat. Rocking the boat is not just fun, itís necessary. I rock it gently, but perhaps itís time to rock it to the point of tipping the damn thing over. Wouldn't THAT be nice?
I should have just stayed home and written all this out. Then again, I donít think I would have been able to start writing this if I hadn't have gone out on an aimless trip. It's just that I'm filled with such incredible longing right now, something I haven't felt in a while, and so I had forgotten what it was like. Itís not just a strong feeling, it's a specifically pointed and concentrated feeling that I can't shake loose.
(10:52pm) Back home now realizing that I need to update my site with some new pictures on Vista Drive since tomorrow is the first of the month. But, I do want to continue the train of thought that I was on before I had to get off the bus and walk home. The issue of longing. I think it's a silly idea to start to wallow in this feeling because it will only lead to an even more intense feeling. Why is it that as soon as I come home I find that I can't write, my typing skills go out the window, and I feel like going somewhere? Time to get some things done before I go to bed. I have stupid work tomorrow.