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Encapsulated -- 07.19.07
 
(4:13pm Wed) My aunt just brought the mail in and I saw that there was a large envelope for me. I didnít even realize what it might be inside until I saw the words ďDo not bendĒ on the outside. Then I knew, it was my diploma.

It is OFFICIAL now. Iím actually quite moved right now. My only wish (and I donít believe in wishes) is that my Grandmother and Mother could be alive to share this with me. That is the only thing that could make this moment more perfect. Itís crazy to think that all the time and effort can be encapsulated in a single piece of paper... but it can. I want to go out and celebrate with everyone I know.

(5:39pm Thurs) Work at Ralphís was OK last night. What really sucked is that my stupid car died on me AGAIN. I FUCKING hate that car. That car is a perfect representation of my relationship with my father... it doesnít work. So now I have to get it back to the mechanic on Monday because I have work this whole weekend.

Everyone is wondering why the fuck I went and fixed that stupid Nissan when I had the option of buying another car, mainly that BMW. Well, stupid me felt obligated to fix my fatherís car because it is HIS car, and he sent me the money to fix HIS car. I spoke to him exactly once through this whole thing because I rather not even deal with him at all. If that damn circulation job would just come through I would never speak to the man ever again. He has been a horrible example of a man, and Iím glad that he let me and my mother. Iíve lived 98% of my life without him. Heís tried to become my ďpalĒ the last few years. He has hoped that his illnesses would melt my heart and cause me to drop everything, like I did with my Mother and Grandmother, and care for him the way I did for them. The difference is that they WERE around. He was absent.

I have, because of who I am, given him the benefit of the doubt many times. My mother even told me that I should give him a chance, on her deathbed. I canít deny a request like that. However, I think Iíve done my best to accommodate him throughout the years. I have never spoken ill of him, or to him (until this entry I guess). The worse thing I can say is that... I best not even write it because itís enough that Iíve said it in my head. Itís a horrible thought, but one that makes me wonder what would have been different.

Moving on then, Iím not sure what to do now. I think the problem with the car now is something minor. However, the broken windshield that I broke with my fist, and the HUGE dent I put on the side of the car in a fit of anger, are not minor. I swear, I could have hit that car with my bare fists until I passed out. Thatís how angry I was. I guess thatís how angry I am with my father too.

I made an enemy out of a friend this week, all because I was being honest. Itís that always the way? Well, to get to the point, this weekend I helped a former classmate of mine with this show she wants to try and sell to a cable channel. She wants to create a travel show. She has this idea to travel in a ďdifferentĒ way that any of the 4,000 travel shows out there. She had me working the second camera, doing whatís called ďBĒ roll stuff for the pilot. I went into this thing not sure if I would like this kind of work, but certainly hoping that I would.

I donít want to slam this person, but Iím not sure that the show is something I would want to watch. I like shows that have a LOT of visuals of the location. Like when a show promises the sights of London I want to see plenty of beauty shots of London. I donít want to listen to the talking head host go on and on about something I could care less about. I like learning about a city on these travel shows, but I would rather listen to the talking head while looking at the wonderful sights. I donít want a whole long dissertation about where the show is. I want to SEE the mother-fucking city. Iím a photographer, Iím all about the visuals. Talking heads are best heard on voiceover, where I can ignore them.

A friend of mine and I have this whole issue about writing with as few words as possible. Get to the point, we always say, when we read/see something that could be said in two seconds. Well, this show of my friendís has nothing but talking. Worse than just talking there is pointless and endless talking. I know this stuff can be edited down, but for the most part it needs to ALL be edited down. At the end of the day I took myself to dinner to feel better about the pointless day.

So this person wrote me an email saying the following:

I know all about the film industry and one thing you learn pretty fast is to keep your negative thoughts to yourself if you want to keep your job. Back stabbing, gossip and people being two face is only a fraction of the crap that goes on. A real professional learns the best way to stay clear of the crap is to be pleasant and not say much.

Sheís right, Iím not good at avoiding crap. Iíve never been good at holding my tongue. I voiced my opinion that her co-host (her husband) was a natural on camera. I guess not complimenting her on her stiffness and awkwardness was a mistake. So, Iím done with this person and her projects. I wish her well. There is one thing I will say about all this, and itís this. I love it when someone exploits you and wonders why you donít thank them. I like myself too much to have this person censor my opinions, which I only voiced to improve her show. I didnít mean to put her down in anyway, or make her look bad. I only said what I said to the director so she could work on it and improve in that field. But, I guess constructive criticism is backstabbing when its critical. Iím glad to be rid of this person. Iím not going to dignify her last email with a response.

End Communication

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