I went to the CSUN library today to visit my old boss, but it was not an entirely pleasant visit. El Patron informed me that he was told that my application was not in the official pile of applications, which means no job for me. Yup, after waiting all this time it ends like that, with a dull faraway thud barely heard over the din. Suffice to say it sucks, but perhaps itís for the better. The last month El Patron got into trouble twice, nearly got fired, and basically hates the place now. After seeing what he went through Iím pretty sure I donít want to work there. Yeah, but now the question is where.
The past month has been quite unpleasant. I will remember August 2007 for just how horrible everything turned out. September has been kinder, but after this news I canít see how anything can make it a great month. Even my stupid birthday coming up is not a great event. I would rather just not even celebrate it, especially after todayís news. ARGH, itís just so stupid.
Everything really does suck, but itís because I care too much. If I care about something itís bound to turn out bad. If I care about someone they are bound not to care the same way. If I work hard at something, it turns to mud in my hands. The only solution is to just not care I suppose. Thereís a great line in ďFight ClubĒ that talks about caring and it goes like this. "No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide." I think thatís Nirvana, and I best get my head into some medication and get that done.
But then it begs the question... what matters? I thought a lot of things mattered, but having NONE of them coming into fruition is perhaps the biggest evidence that they really DONíT matter. Thereís a line in the Simpsonís thatís apropos right now. ďMarge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were all dead ends!Ē
So, for my birthday Iím not going to wish for anything (because I quit wishing for stuff 20 years ago). Iím simply going to figure out what really matters. I can tell you that the list is not going to be very long. Some things I thought I cared about might not make it on the list, because they include things that are, and have always been, dead ends. It really is time to stop making the same mistakes over and over and OVER again.
Strange that right now, as the anniversary of my birth approaches Iím hitting the reset button yet again, and attempting to start anew. Yeah, even I think Iím a bit too old to hit reset again, but all that shit about timetables is someoneís artificial benchmark. Iíve obviously never cared about that stuff.
*hits reset button*
... the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain....
- excerpt from Dover Beach by Mathew Arnold