I had the last three days off from work after working six days straight because I asked my job to change my schedule. Iím not working Sundays though Wednesdays because I need the extra money. Itís not much, but since not working at the library Iíve had less cash in my pocket. Also, driving that mother-fucking car of my dadís has put a dent into my wallet. On a side note, that cocksucking car must die. I HATE it with a passion.
And really that just makes me realize that I hate my father with that same passion. I hid that even from myself because I really didnít think I did. When asked about him I just say whatever, but honestly I donít like him. Today, on my way home from another pointless thing, the stupid no 4th gear having car nearly killed me once again trying to merge into the freeway. The anger of that and the pointless day I had got to me and when I got home I kicked the car again. But it wasnít until just now, when I started this entry, that I wanted to say it... itís not just the car that I hate, itís also my father. Iím like him but like how a negative is to a photo, the complete opposite.
Someone told me that he was feeling sick this week, and that he wishes I would go up an visit him a couple of times a month. That struck me as literally insane. The times Iíve gone up there we donít do anything, we donít talk, or at least he doesnít. So whatís the point? ARGH! We have NEVER been close. When my parents divorced I saw him from time to time, and actually he would visit me quite a bit. But he would just take me with his friends, which I obviously didnít care to visit. In none of his visits did he ever take me to the stupid park, or to say an arcade or whatever. Just stupid visits to his friends, my uncles and who knows who. I canít fault him for that, but I can fault him for just being a jerk and a liar. A horrible thought came into my mind when this person told me my father was sick (horrible to you all Iím sure, but not to me because itís true). I thought about how I would feel if my father died. He has been near to that a few times. Ten years ago as my mother lay on her deathbed my father nearly lay in his because of open heart surgery. I really didnít care what happened to him then, and the same goes today. If I never saw him again it would be all right by me. In short, I donít think I would shed a tear for the man if he passed away. I donít say that with any malice or whatever you might think. I say it because I know that I wouldnít.
Having lost the two most important people in my life has pretty much set the bar of loss and pain Iím going to feel in my life. Unless someone reaches that level in my life Iím not going to feel the same loss. I will tell you that I would feel more for certain inanimate objects I own if they were lost than my fatherís passing.
It really sucks because I really just want him to leave me alone and not expect that thirty-six years of neglect is going to disappear because he is sick. Itís like those people that suddenly find God in their time of need. I hate those people. I made a promise never to turn to God in a time of need because whatís the use. So no, I donít wish him harm on the man, but I simply donít need to interact with him. I canít be around him because like that car that I drive he has let me down EVERY time. I donít need him. I havenít ever needed him... well, perhaps when I was a child I needed him. But he made his decision and today, like the old saying goes, he has to lie in it.
Random picture placed in an entry time.