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It doesn't get easier -- 10.03.07
 
My cousin passed away a year ago Tuesday. Once again after a death in the family itís hard to believe that so much time has passed. Itís been over ten years since my Mother passed away, over two and a half years since my Grandmother passed, and now a year since my Cousin passed away. Death doesnít get any easier. With my Grandmother we, the family, can say stuff like, ďAt least she lived a long life.Ē With my Mother itís not quite that because she died in her late 50ís. Relatively young still, but she had lived a good deal of her life. With my cousin itís on the more bitter side of tragic because she was in her 30ís. Old enough not to be a kid anymore, but also still young in that there was so much living to do still.

Whatís hard is knowing that someone from my generation is dead. What makes her passing sadder is that she suffered through a lot even before she passed away. She had been sick for nearly a decade, and I mean sick enough that it was a constant thing. Her illness kept her from really living, and thatís the biggest tragedy. Living has to be done 100%, nothing half-assed will pass for living. The worse was in the last couple of years though. We went to Disneyland as a big happy family, but she could barely keep up with the group. She got tired fast, and was constantly coughing and getting colds. We went to a local botanical garden shortly before she passed and she had to get around using a wheelchair. That was the moment that I knew something was just not right. It was not long after that day that she passed away. I canít honestly tell you we were like super close and shit. Hell, there was a point where I think she hated me, but I didnít hate her. I might have felt indifferent to her, but never hate. But we patched things up and were growing closer when she passed. I remember visiting her in the hospital as she laid sedated. It really hurt me to see her that way, and really it also brought back memories of my Grandmotherís last night on Earth when she was put on a ventilator. When I saw my cousin like that I felt that the end might be near. The doctors didnít really give the family too much hope either. Her sister found that hard to swallow, but I couldnít find the words to make her feel better. After talking to the doctors I was able to read between the lines and I knew it was bad. I told my other cousin, her sister, what the doctors were talking about, since I knew doctor speak from having to deal with them with my Grandmother. I didnít tell her that the end was near though. It wasnít the time and place. I talked to my dying cousin as she lay there sedated. I wasnít sure if she could hear me, though I felt that she couldnít. I talked either way, just in case. I told her to hold on, to fight the best she could. But within a couple of weeks her body just gave out. She was too weak to fight after so many years of suffering. And today we remember her passing. Sucks.

Moving on, there was some good news on Tuesday. After sending in a bunch of job applications a couple of weeks ago I finally got a call today. I have an interview with the Beverly Hills Library for a clerk job. A sweet and beautiful clerk job that can only be a million times better than my current mother-fucking crappy Ralphís job. I went into work today and asked for the day off next week. If they are bitches and donít give me the day off Iím calling in sick. Iím not missing this opportunity. Then, as if the universe felt I was just a little too happy, I could do no right the last three hours of my shift. It was such bullshit. I just couldnít focus on anything for some reason. I think it must have been the fact that part of my brain was wishing I was already in that other job.

More good news, I got my reservation confirmation for the San Francisco this past weekend. I am so in the San Francisco state of mind right now. Thatís another reason why Iím not all about the job right now, my mind is drifting towards the future. Wish me luck next week, Iíll need it to get that job. Iím at my witís end with my current job, and Iím ready for a change.

End Communication.

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