4:00 pm Monday I got a call from home with news about the job. I couldnít answer the phone but when I got my break about ten minutes later I called back and got the most ďwonderfulĒ news that I didnít get the job at the B.H. library. They sent me a very nice letter saying that I, ďscored very high,Ē and that the interview panel was, ďextremely impressed with,Ē me. Little good that does me since I didnít get the job. They did say that they encourage me to re-apply for other positions, but man this would have been the one for me.
So right now Iím feeling quite melancholy and disconsolate. Iím sure it will pass after a couple of days. Right now is that moaning period that one has to deal with when one is passed over for something they really want. I should actually be QUITE used to this sort of feeling. But optimistic stupid me, I have this ability to get my hopes up, only to have them come back down to reality with decimating force. Like I said, this is but ONE of a LONG line of rejections and disappointments, but it never gets any easier. Ironically, I think it gets harder because the hopes somehow, and I honestly donít get this myself, the hopes seem to be reach higher levels of wishfulness. Which makes the pain when they crash all the more painful than the previous disappointment. So Iím minutes away from going back to crappy Ralphís, but I wanted to write this while the feelings were fresh.
(hours later) Itís now past midnight. I came home, ate some fast food that I picked up on my way home, and just had some whiskey and Coke to console myself. Iím getting a little sleepy, but I also have some more drinking to do. I have been at the brink of tears since I heard the news from my Aunt this evening. It just feels like an utter rejection of my worth. I really wish I could just sleep all day tomorrow and not wake up until Friday for the trip.
In lieu of that Iím just going to go to work and keep my mouth shut. Next week Iíll just put in another bunch of applications and hope not to be humiliatingly rejected again. I do want to tell everyone that wished me luck throughout this process thank you. Your support shows me that I canít let myself feel down too long. I mean, I will be down for the next few days, but Iíll pick myself up again and try again. Itís all because of youíre well wishes that I can do that. Thank you all.