Iím sorta numb right now, and not just because of the cold. Which is making my feet feel pretty much like theyíre going to fall off. I feel numb because I got my rejection letter from the Masters program that I applied to. Seems that my grades werenít good enough to qualify. So thatís it, done deal, thanks for playing. This is a pretty hard blow to take. Iím only feeling as well as I do because of the previous hits Iíve taken. Iíve learned to roll with the punches, you might say.
So now what? Certain plans were made and now Iím sitting here with all those plans worth shit. This year has been such a horrible year that it seems apropos that I would get this news right at the end. A sorta final kick to the nuts, so to speak. Just to remind me how HORRIBLE this year has been. I have such high hopes for next year, but right now Iím not in the mood to even think about such things.
For the last few months Iíve been exploring the idea of God in the book Iím trying to write. I finished a chapter that deals with that subject. Iíve known it, and Iíve said it, but now Iím declaring it... there is no God. From this point forward I know with 100% certainty that there is no God. And not just because I didnít get into Grad school, but for all the other things that have happened. The evidence is like a mountain, growing every day higher. Iíve held out a little hope that perhaps there was something out there. But this year has proven to me that hope is for sissies.
Itís strange how much I now realize I wanted this. But itís always like this with things I want. Itís not enough to want something. I put in a lot of effort into this, and now Iím standing here, once again, empty handed. Itís fucking bullshit. But whatever, itís really their loss. Whatever I end up doing for the rest of my life I know Iíll excel at it. Like always, itís their loss. I must admit, right now the numbness is turning into a dark anger to show them just how stupid they were to reject me.
An an entirely different subject, Saturday I wanted to go to the museum or something. But one look at my wallet and I thought better of spending a few bucks on something I donít have the money for. Hopefully soon Iíll have a few bucks. Anyway, instead of going to the museum I sat myself down and wrote. Nothing concrete, just notes for later use, but good notes I think.
Friday morning at work I felt absolutely horrible. I started my book clean up duty and felt like I was going to pass out. I mean literally pass out on the floor. I suddenly felt a wave of something come over me, and it made me feel dizzy and not quite there, but still kinda lucid at the same time. Not knowing what to do I went downstairs and got a snack to eat. I felt that maybe it was something like low blood sugar or something. It took me the better part of the next hour to kinda feel better. By lunch I felt better, and after eating lunch I felt nearly normal. Nevertheless, Iím still not sure what made me feel so horrible in the morning. I just hope I donít feel like that again.
I mentioned the book earlier. I wrote a quick note right as I got stuck writing this one thing. The note says, "I'm not sure that I truly have the talent to express in this book the nature of what Iím feeling and thinking."
That was then. Today I have no doubt that this can be a dark masterpiece. I know that this pain, the rejection that Iíve had to deal with over and over again, must serve the ultimate purpose of making this book as dark and as brilliant as possible. It can be nothing short of a absolute masterpiece or I have failed. But, thankfully Iíve failed many a time, so know what it feels like.
Anyway, itís getting late. Tomorrow Iím having lunch with a friend. I was going to call him to tell him the "happy" news about my latest rejection, but I figured Iíd tell him tomorrow over lunch. By the way 2008... fuck you. You have truly been the most pointless year of my life. It is possible that there has been nothing redeeming about this year at all. I will be happy to see you in my rearview.