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Being "Set-up" -- 02.14.09
 
Iím pretty sure that I'm being set-up for a fall at my Glendale job. Iíve had two slightly veiled ďthreatsĒ about being fired in the last month. Itís no coincidence that the last one also came with a mention that the budget is tight. Which to me meant, watch out or weíll balance our budget on your ass. Whatever. I do my work, Iíve cut down on the talking, and now Iím still on the shit end of things. I honestly just go there to get paid a few bucks in order not to starve, but thatís not a good enough reason anymore. Saturday after breakfast I went on the Pasadena city site and found an opening for another page job. If I get it Iím bolting from Glendale ASAP. Certainly before they can fire me, which is what I think they intend to do soon enough.

Speaking of set-up, my old boss from the University library is thinking of setting me up with a girl that one of his co-workers knows. I told him that Iím willing to give it a shot, but honestly I have no inclination to pursue anyone. I briefly thought about it, and thought better of it. I donít want to be in a relationship, and I think I must have never really wanted that. Despite what I say, there is ultimately a reason why I donít succeed with women, and I think itís because I would rather be alone. Sure does sound like a good theory.

And see, what happens is that when I reach out the world recoils. When I recoil and want to be in my own corner, thatís when the world is suddenly interested in reaching out. Itís always the opposite, so Iím just going to stay in my cave and work on my art for myself. Because thatís another thing that goes this way. If I put my work out there itís not wanted. If I donít, thatís when people notice it. The lesson I learned today is that reaching out is the first step towards being ignored and having that hand slapped away. Thereís a reason why I donít reach out anymore, and itís because EVERY damn time I do I get slapped in the face. The lesson is donít, just donít.

No news about the house since I was emailed earlier this week. The realtor said everything is on track, but that he would also update me later in the week. Well, itís pretty much the end of week and no news. I shouldnít worry, if I want something itís bound to not want me back, or not happen. So Iím not even going to want anything because that just makes things more complicated.

I said it from the start, this year is the year of contraction and of trimming the fat off my life. Anything unnecessary is getting cut. That includes people, things, everything is on the table for this cleaning house period of my life. Certainly the most important thing to get out of my life is people. Certain people have never been a positive in my life, and itís time they leave.

I am the surest Iíve ever been in my life right now.
End Communication.

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