Iím home sick from work today. Not that I mind missing work from Glendale, but the money Iím not making today is definitely an issue. I donít want to go to work tomorrow, but I do want to get well enough that I can because of said money issue.
Iíve held back a little when it comes to writing what I want to write here on this journal because I was afraid certain people were reading it. Now I donít care about that. The Universe screams at us, but we donít listen. Well, Iím listening loud and clear now. Have you ever wondered what would happen if someone who is good turned malevolent? The experiment with me starts today.
The main problem with the evil that people do to each other in this town is that thereís no thought behind their evil actions. Whatís the fun in that? As a force for either good or evil there must be a thought process that is happening behind the scenes. I hate that bumper sticker that say that one should practice random acts of kindness. There shouldnít be anything random about any actions, kind or malevolent. To me thatís just being idiotic, lazy, and stupid. Acts of good or evil should be poignant and absolute in their intent. Anything less is idiotic. To that point, I need to change my way of thinking and not be idiotic in my actions or words.
I tried to reach out and Iíve been slapped in the face way too many times already to think that things are going to change because I have ďgood intentions.Ē Good intentions arenít going to get me anywhere. So if you thought I was a bastard for being so honest in the past you havenít seen anything yet. My governor has not allowed for many real thoughts to come out. But from here on youíre all going to get unfiltered content.
I wanted to find someone in this life to share this meaningless journey with, but that was WAY too much to ask for. Iím a freak, ugly, self-centered, and I possess a horrible personality. These are a few of the many reasons why Iím still single at the age of 37. And they will be the reasons why I will remain single for the rest of my life. There are some of us in this world that arenít meant to be with anyone, for the reasons above as well as other reasons. Iíve fought believing that I would be alone for the rest of my life. But here, half my life over, I now see that itís not some fluke that Iím alone. There are many flaws in my personality, my appearance, and my general demeanor that will prevent me from ever finding anyone interested in me. Look, thatís fine since I now know not to expect things to change. Things donít change like they do in the movies. Things stay perfectly the same.
Last night, even as I felt like I was going to pass out, I went out with my co-workers to a local Starbucks in order to have facilitate the coming together of a couple of my co-workers. One is a shy guy who some of us suspect may have never been in a relationship. Which isnít a totally bad thing, because that isnít the measure of a person. The other co-worker is an attractive woman who Iíd like to plow. But my friend/co-worker has said that he likes her, and actually doesnít hide it very well. Everyone at work knows that he likes her. He visited her at work last week with a couple of his students from another job and even the students said to him, ďyou like her, donít you?Ē I mean itís THAT obvious. Iím sure she know, as a matter of fact I can tell you she absolutely knows. Iíd like them to get together, but at the same time I see a lot of my apprehension in him. That alone assures me that he wonít ever ask her out. Itís a flaw in some males that we believe that rejection is like a knight cutting through our hearts. Why do we believe this? Because thatís how it feels.
This weekend I met this really pretty woman at a comedy club. We talked, exchanged emails, and then facebooked each other. Well, I thought I might ask her out. Of course I got shot down, and although I had hardly known this woman for a couple of days the sting of the rejection ruined my day. And now the hope of turning a friendly dinner with Cute-Professor into an opportunity to ask her out on an actual date has ruined the rest of my life. Truly I put too much of a responsibility into this one act by her, but Iím in dire straits here. The rejections are compounding themselves to the point that Iím not willing to stick my neck out anymore. Nor will I anymore. I made a promise to not seek the company of women and I stupidly went back on that. I canít help but set myself up for the same mistakes over and over again. Itís insanity and I canít go down that path anymore. I made a good choice but went back on it because I hoped. Hope is for sissies, as Dr. House would say.
From this point forward I have to stop making the same mistakes. I am intelligent and can perceive the world as it is, not how I would like it to be. So itís stupid of me to think I can live in a fairyland.
Iím continuing to contract my life. I am taking more steps towards leaving the past in the past. Iím in the here and now, and thatís all that counts.