| In the two weeks since I last wrote a bunch of bullshit has been happening. But what else is new? The cold I wrote about last time is still lingering. It�s strange that his cold went from aches but no symptoms to symptoms and no aches. I guess that�s better than the former. I still have a cough that won�t go away. Guess the virus has made a nice home in my lungs and is staying there for the Spring. The house STILL hasn�t sold. We keep getting offers only to have them withdraw their offer at the last minute. It sucks because it gets my hopes up. Totally bullshit. Supposedly we have many other offers we can go with, but they just seem like dead-ends to me too. Time will tell. Work was OK today. I think they�ve actually come to appreciate me a little more, if not actually like me. That�s OK, I suppose it�s better to be appreciated than to be liked. Today I shelved books, and I mention that because lately I haven�t been doing much of that. Again, it�s OK though. I don�t mind shelving books if I�m just left alone to do it. I think I�ve found the formula to being left alone... I anticipate what they�re going to have me do and do it. That way they can�t tell me what to do. I�ve already thought about what they want and gone ahead and done it. Also, this makes me look good because it�s like I�m reading their minds. I�m not really, just reading their body language. I�m getting to be pretty good at that, thankfully.  There�s a patron (pictured above) that I�ve seen come in a few times over the last few weeks that they�ve had me working the upstairs desk in the mornings. Now I mention this woman because for some reason I find myself really attracted to her. To the point that when I saw her today I nearly went up to her to ask if she wanted to have coffee with me. I�ve never asked a patron out, though I�ve thought about it a couple of times. So I�m not sure why I�m considering asking this one. I mean I do find her attractive, but no more attractive than other patrons. I think my loneliness has reached the level that even I didn�t know it had reached. Not that this woman isn�t attractive, but it just seems that my current thought process lends itself to the logical conclusion that I�m desperately lonely. It doesn�t take a genius to realize that I�m grasping at straws now. I didn�t see it coming because I hadn�t felt lonely. But the other day I decided that this was a good time for a �spiritual� journey. How can one just say that they�re going to have that? I didn�t really just come up with the idea. A couple of events triggered the thought in my head. One, something my old boss, El Patron, said to me this weekend when I talked to him. He told me that it would seem the Universe is calling me to look within myself more than I have up to this point. The answers to all my problems are inside me, I know that. The second thing was also triggered by my old boss. He sent me an email that I sent him way back in Nov. of 2007 when my father was dying. I had sent him a picture of my father on his deathbed. I looked at the picture that I had honestly forgotten I had taken and many thoughts came in my head. The main thought was that I didn�t want to end up like he was in that picture. Another thought was how I didn�t want to be like him. Because here he was, dying, reaching out to me, but I just couldn�t reach back. I forgave him, like he asked me to, for all the wrongs he did to me and my mother. But I couldn�t reach out to him, or care for him, like I did my Mother and Grandmother. I can�t look back and regret that, because what�s done is done. What I can do is assure myself that I won�t be on my deathbed asking people for forgiveness. I probably won�t ask this woman out for coffee the next time I see her, but the thought of it is evidence that I�m lonely. Despite my protests to the contrary, I�m lonely and getting lonelier. I reach out for something that I won�t get, for whatever reason. It�s because all I want is someone that will partner up in this journey. That�s obviously been too much to ask or I would have found someone to do that. So I think about grasping at whatever draws near because I don�t have anything left to hope for except dumb luck. End Communication |
