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Spiritual journey beings... now -- 03.26.09
In the two weeks since I last wrote a bunch of bullshit has been happening. But what else is new? The cold I wrote about last time is still lingering. Itís strange that his cold went from aches but no symptoms to symptoms and no aches. I guess thatís better than the former. I still have a cough that wonít go away. Guess the virus has made a nice home in my lungs and is staying there for the Spring.

The house STILL hasnít sold. We keep getting offers only to have them withdraw their offer at the last minute. It sucks because it gets my hopes up. Totally bullshit. Supposedly we have many other offers we can go with, but they just seem like dead-ends to me too. Time will tell.

Work was OK today. I think theyíve actually come to appreciate me a little more, if not actually like me. Thatís OK, I suppose itís better to be appreciated than to be liked. Today I shelved books, and I mention that because lately I havenít been doing much of that. Again, itís OK though. I donít mind shelving books if Iím just left alone to do it. I think Iíve found the formula to being left alone... I anticipate what theyíre going to have me do and do it. That way they canít tell me what to do. Iíve already thought about what they want and gone ahead and done it. Also, this makes me look good because itís like Iím reading their minds. Iím not really, just reading their body language. Iím getting to be pretty good at that, thankfully.

Thereís a patron (pictured above) that Iíve seen come in a few times over the last few weeks that theyíve had me working the upstairs desk in the mornings. Now I mention this woman because for some reason I find myself really attracted to her. To the point that when I saw her today I nearly went up to her to ask if she wanted to have coffee with me. Iíve never asked a patron out, though Iíve thought about it a couple of times. So Iím not sure why Iím considering asking this one. I mean I do find her attractive, but no more attractive than other patrons. I think my loneliness has reached the level that even I didnít know it had reached. Not that this woman isnít attractive, but it just seems that my current thought process lends itself to the logical conclusion that Iím desperately lonely. It doesnít take a genius to realize that Iím grasping at straws now. I didnít see it coming because I hadnít felt lonely. But the other day I decided that this was a good time for a ďspiritualĒ journey. How can one just say that theyíre going to have that? I didnít really just come up with the idea. A couple of events triggered the thought in my head. One, something my old boss, El Patron, said to me this weekend when I talked to him. He told me that it would seem the Universe is calling me to look within myself more than I have up to this point. The answers to all my problems are inside me, I know that. The second thing was also triggered by my old boss. He sent me an email that I sent him way back in Nov. of 2007 when my father was dying. I had sent him a picture of my father on his deathbed. I looked at the picture that I had honestly forgotten I had taken and many thoughts came in my head. The main thought was that I didnít want to end up like he was in that picture. Another thought was how I didnít want to be like him. Because here he was, dying, reaching out to me, but I just couldnít reach back. I forgave him, like he asked me to, for all the wrongs he did to me and my mother. But I couldnít reach out to him, or care for him, like I did my Mother and Grandmother. I canít look back and regret that, because whatís done is done. What I can do is assure myself that I wonít be on my deathbed asking people for forgiveness.

I probably wonít ask this woman out for coffee the next time I see her, but the thought of it is evidence that Iím lonely. Despite my protests to the contrary, Iím lonely and getting lonelier. I reach out for something that I wonít get, for whatever reason. Itís because all I want is someone that will partner up in this journey. Thatís obviously been too much to ask or I would have found someone to do that. So I think about grasping at whatever draws near because I donít have anything left to hope for except dumb luck.

End Communication

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