| These are the lumbering, totally wasted, days of my life. I�m trying to be more �productive� in that I want to actually do something that matters to me. Unfortunately I have to also do things that don�t matter to me, but pay me, and bring me a little closer to my goals. So, in a sense I should care about those things, but work is work, and it doesn�t have the luxury of being something I care about. So I took myself out for a little bit of a day trip downtown. My excuse was my search for a book that I had my hands on at Glendale, but that I let go and then couldn�t find. My other excuse, not that I needed two, was that I wanted to have a nice meal at Clifton�s (pictured below).  I had my usual enchilada with mac & cheese and Texas toast on the side. For dessert I had a really good lemon pie. I was quite satiated, to say the least. Looking at that Texas toast reminded me of the really great cheese and garlic toast my aunt made me for dinner on Friday (pictured below).  Which brings me to an entirely different subject. Or actually, it brings me back to my original thought. Fridays are pretty damn boring at work. There�s a lot to do, but it doesn�t require brain power. So I think, sometimes think out-loud to my friend Dane, who is homeless and sits in the back of the library watching DVDs. I�ve done a lot of thinking lately, especially since I have all that �free� time to think. A constant thought in my mind is asking a girl I know out on a date, because I�m just fucking lonely. But then the reality of the whole situation comes to bear. Truth is, any girl I ask out is going to reject me. I�m not putting myself down, I�m being a realist. I�m talking from experience. I�m talking from my losing streak, a streak that includes having the last nine girls I�ve asked out to stone cold reject me. There�s a line in the movie �Marty� that is apropos right now: �Whatever it is that women like, I ain't got it.� Absolutely fuckin� right on the money. Whenever I ask a girl out I run up against this immutable fact, whatever women want I don�t have it. I�m not going to try and analyze it, because what�s the use. I�m simply going to have to live with it. It�s looking more and more like Malpartida was my last great chance at love. The prospect of that being even remotely true is horrible at best, because it means that I never had a chance. If she was my best chance, then I didn�t have a chance at all.
El Patron admonished me about asking Grafia del Sol out a couple of months back. My explanation for doing so, despite the fact that I knew she would say no, is that I HAD to do it. If only for my own �peace of mind.� Basically I needed to know if I had any chance at all, and despite knowing I didn�t. I had to roll the dice. That�s the only reason I stuck my neck out knowing that it would be chopped off. It really is time that I stop fooling myself, stop trying to chance the unalterable... I am destined to be a bachelor for life, a human singularity, alone until I die. When I put it that way, it�s not so bad.
I've talked about it in the past, but now I have to make it stick. I have to face facts and never pursue a relationship with a woman ever again. The amount of energy that I devote to that endeavor is a big waste, because it NEVER bears any fruit. Not to mention the emotional cost of constant rejection. It�s for the best, and I�m going to have to really fight my inclinations to go back on this, like I have in the recent past. End Communication. |
