previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

No Chance -- 05.31.09
These are the lumbering, totally wasted, days of my life. Iím trying to be more ďproductiveĒ in that I want to actually do something that matters to me. Unfortunately I have to also do things that donít matter to me, but pay me, and bring me a little closer to my goals. So, in a sense I should care about those things, but work is work, and it doesnít have the luxury of being something I care about.

So I took myself out for a little bit of a day trip downtown. My excuse was my search for a book that I had my hands on at Glendale, but that I let go and then couldnít find. My other excuse, not that I needed two, was that I wanted to have a nice meal at Cliftonís (pictured below).

I had my usual enchilada with mac & cheese and Texas toast on the side. For dessert I had a really good lemon pie. I was quite satiated, to say the least. Looking at that Texas toast reminded me of the really great cheese and garlic toast my aunt made me for dinner on Friday (pictured below).

Which brings me to an entirely different subject. Or actually, it brings me back to my original thought. Fridays are pretty damn boring at work. Thereís a lot to do, but it doesnít require brain power. So I think, sometimes think out-loud to my friend Dane, who is homeless and sits in the back of the library watching DVDs. Iíve done a lot of thinking lately, especially since I have all that ďfreeĒ time to think.

A constant thought in my mind is asking a girl I know out on a date, because Iím just fucking lonely. But then the reality of the whole situation comes to bear. Truth is, any girl I ask out is going to reject me. Iím not putting myself down, Iím being a realist. Iím talking from experience. Iím talking from my losing streak, a streak that includes having the last nine girls Iíve asked out to stone cold reject me. Thereís a line in the movie ďMartyĒ that is apropos right now: ďWhatever it is that women like, I ain't got it.Ē Absolutely fuckiní right on the money. Whenever I ask a girl out I run up against this immutable fact, whatever women want I donít have it. Iím not going to try and analyze it, because whatís the use. Iím simply going to have to live with it.

Itís looking more and more like Malpartida was my last great chance at love. The prospect of that being even remotely true is horrible at best, because it means that I never had a chance. If she was my best chance, then I didnít have a chance at all.

El Patron admonished me about asking Grafia del Sol out a couple of months back. My explanation for doing so, despite the fact that I knew she would say no, is that I HAD to do it. If only for my own ďpeace of mind.Ē Basically I needed to know if I had any chance at all, and despite knowing I didnít. I had to roll the dice. Thatís the only reason I stuck my neck out knowing that it would be chopped off. It really is time that I stop fooling myself, stop trying to chance the unalterable... I am destined to be a bachelor for life, a human singularity, alone until I die. When I put it that way, itís not so bad.

I've talked about it in the past, but now I have to make it stick. I have to face facts and never pursue a relationship with a woman ever again. The amount of energy that I devote to that endeavor is a big waste, because it NEVER bears any fruit. Not to mention the emotional cost of constant rejection. Itís for the best, and Iím going to have to really fight my inclinations to go back on this, like I have in the recent past.

End Communication.

previous entry   /  newest   /  archive   /  next entry

american ecstasy   /  diaryland