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I Tried, I Really Did -- 07.14.09
A little while back, after yet another failure, I decided that my experiences with women were trying to tell me something. That something hung over my head like the marquee of a movie theater: ďYouíre going to die alone.Ē The plain fact stared me right in the face, bigger than life. It hurt to know that so plainly. But, after grieving the truth I came to accept it. I not only accepted it, I made plans based on it. I would devote myself to my photography and my writing. Not everyone is meant to have a family, or to find love. It would seem that Iím one of those people who are inept when it comes to intimate relationships. The fact that Iím hideous doesnít help any. Because, if I wasnít my good looks would overcome any of my interpersonal flaws. Yet, I do not possess a handsome face, a gorgeous body, or anything else that the female animal finds physically attractive. Thereís a line in the movie ďMartyĒ that goes like this: ď... Sooner or later, there comes a point in a man's life when he's gotta face some facts. And one fact I gotta face is that, whatever it is that women like, I ain't got it.Ē

That puts a fine point to this whole thing. Whatever women want, and honestly they donít know what they want, I ainít got. I know one thing, they may not know what they want, but they do know what they DONíT want. That comes through loud and clear.

Iíve been analyzing my interactions with one Cute Professor 2, aka Robbin, and have come to the conclusion that I donít have a chance with her. She seems to fit the bill otherwise. Sheís attractive, smart, my age, and she likes my photography. What more could a guy ask for? Well, a relationship seems to be too much for me to ask for. Iíve dropped hints, to see what the reaction would be. Each time the reaction is not been favorable to my success in asking her out on a date. Weíve hung out a few times, but her interest in me seems to be just as an artist and a friend. So, I guess Iíll remain that.

And thatís probably for the better anyways. I have little choice in the matter either way. So Iíve come to accept this (again), as Iíve come to accept a great many other realities. Thereís no use trying to change things that canít be changed. Itís not like I havenít tried. Iíve given this more than enough tries. Too many tries, I would say, at this point. So I best stop while Iím ahead and not make a fool out of myself again. Though, part of me just wants to ask Robbin out now in order to just seal the deal, know for sure. To extend this thing any longer would just turn it into another Malpartida situation, where I pine away secretly, all the time knowing she doesnít feel the same as I feel. Asking her out will sever anything and everything between us. I will cross a line that I shouldnít, in her mind. But fuck that, lines are meant to be crossed.

My old, El Patron, has a co-worker that has a girl she wanted me to be introduced to. I gave her my contact info, and weíve been texting for the last week or so. Iíve tried calling her, but she hasnít picked up the phone. Busy, I guess. Last night I sent her a text, asking if she was free to talk. She responded that she was heading into the shower, but that she would contact me afterwards. No dice. So yeah, thatís my answer... IN SPADES. Iím sure the Universe is toying with me... giving me a glimpse of what I want, only to have it reject me (again). Oh well.

All you gotta do is just walk away and pass me by
Don't acknowledge my smile when I try to say hello to you, yeah
And all you gotta do is not answer my calls when
I'm trying to get through
To keep me wondering why, when all I can do is sigh
I just wanna touch you
- ďButterfliesĒ by Michael Jackson

So you see, itís a universal truth that none of us want to die alone. Itís not a universal truth that we all wonít.

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