My strategy these days, if you can call it a strategy, is to follow the teaching in ďThe Art of War.Ē If the prudent move is to retreat then retreat to higher ground. This is what Iíve been doing when something stupid happens. I didnít get the library assistant job last week. A couple of weeks ago I had my interview, which I guess didnít go as good as I thought. The announcement took a week to make. I was told as I got to work on Wednesday that I didnít get the job. I didnít feel anything either way. Then the next day the bitterness came out. I felt resentful that they didnít give me a chance. But, then I felt that I guess it wasnít meant to be. Certainly Iíve had enough happen in my life that I just donít question things anymore. Random things happen, so be it. I tried and failed. But, with this decision by the higher ups at the library I have come to make a decision of my own. Iím retreating to higher ground. I can love the place if not the people there. The writing is on the wall since before this. We are expendable, the whole lot of us. Itís not like I didnít know that before. But there seemed to be more of a sense that this place was a little different. That personal relationships were important. But a new regime has come in and has slowly taken that element out of things. Now itís all business. In my short time there Iíve noticed it change quickly. Co-workers that have been there a lot longer than I have had noticed the change as well.
So, Iím making my own plans. For the longest time Iíve wanted to just follow my own plans, but I always feel obligated to do so otherwise. Now I still feel obligated to do certain things, but really those things arenít important. Iím going to really focus on my photography in the coming months. I have school as well. My commitment to work is only until I win the lotto or hit it big with my photography. Itís going to be a struggle, but I have the talent. Iím pretty sure no one is going to want my work, and I say that from experience. But I donít fucking care. Iím doing this for my own good. If someone comes along and wants to buy my work, Iíll thank them immensely. Like my first real sale to Robbin last month. Her purchase of my work might be like Van Gogh selling one painting during his lifetime. She will have that distinction, but hopefully everyone will have the chance to see my work and love it. Because I put a lot of myself into it.
Sunday night I rushed home when I should have rushed out to get a drink. My ex girlfriend, Talia del Monte came over. Her visit was a tremendous waste of time. She hasnít come over to my place in something like nine months. It hasnít been long enough. Fucking shit, sheís nuts. I am often asked by people why I broke with her. The answer I give is that I didnít love her. I didnít love her, nor do I now, nor will I ever. She and I are simply incompatible. Her mind is just not working right. She tells me that people call her crazy, and a freak. You know what? I agree with them. I donít tell her that, because what would be the purpose of such a thing? But I do agree with them 1000%
I took her home and then on my way back home I thought, ďIím not going to answer her next phone call to me.Ē I honestly donít want to ever see her again. Hanging out with her only reminds me why I didnít want to be with her.
That was the second of a two punch combination that ruined this weekend for me. Next weekend Iíll be stuck in a classroom. So I wanted this weekend to be without care. But, my second cousinís were having their baptism, followed by a small party. Instead of me driving over to the baptism and the party, we were given a lift. This meant I couldnít escape if I got bored. And bored I got. While at the party I was so bored that I downloaded Tetris for the iPhone just to keep myself from falling asleep. As soon as I got home though, I did fall asleep. So boring.