I'm taking some of the last days of 2009 to reflect upon the lessons I learned this year and attempt to apply them to the coming year.† I don't mind making mistakes, because that's how one learns.† The idea to to mitigate the mistakes and then apply them to a similar situation that arises later.† That's the definition of experience.† This year was a pretty pointless year, and at times my mind would shut down and wander somewhere else.† I can't expect to always be on, but I think my mind took more time off this year than any year prior.† The main problem is work.† Both my jobs require VERY little thought.† But, now that I think about it, not many jobs require THAT much thought to begin with.† So having no stimulation is certainly the main factor in my mind shutting off.
Another thing I've had to deal with is my vacillating between never dealing with women to fully engaging them.† Neither plan worked very well.† I got "involved" with a co-worker I don't even like simply for the sex.† Which, I might add, wasn't all that great.† I had a hard time performing because of how turned off I was.† When you're disinterested in something feigning interest in it doesn't magically cause you to actually become interested in it.† Certainly only being interested in the sexual component of a relationship doesn't mean that in time an emotional component will spring from that physical relationship.† Giving in to the physical wants caused me to get into a situation that I now regret.† The woman I slept with was not worth my time.† I knew that from the start.† Hell, I knew it from the moment I met her.† But I also knew that I was going to be weak one time, and that was going to be enough for me to step in shit.† Well, now I'm walking away, a bit of shit still on my shoe, but I'm walking away.
As far as women in general... I'm sure that I'll tell myself not to deal with them.† But it was when I got so busy that I actually didn't have time to think about them that I was the most happy.† Not having them on my mind all the time was actually good for several reasons.† It took the pressure off.† I didn't worry myself about not having a girlfriend.† That disinterest came from being busy, and come the start of the new semester I'll be way busy.† I'm not saying that I'm going to force myself to keep away from women.† I have to think of the few weeks where I was simply not thinking of them because I had other things to deal with.† Out of sight out of mind.† But when I do become interested I have to realize that it's only temporary.
I tried to deal with some of my problems by digging more and more trenches and retreating more into myself.† I think now that this is a losing proposition.† The more emotional fortifications that I put up the more they fail to actually protect me.† Their existence means nothing because they aren't doing what I ultimately want them to do.. protect me.† I've always been open.† I call myself an open book.† Perhaps it's not more emotional fortifications that I need but smarter ones.† I can't JUST be an open book all the time.† A little mystery might be a good thing, not emotional solitude.† Other people share, but they donít share everything.† I tend to share too much, and that's my problem.† I can be an open book, but what I have to change is my willingness to offer information.† I think THAT's the key.† Sharing but not over sharing.
A couple of years ago I looked forward to the new year with hope.† That year, 2008, taught me not to look forward to a new year with blind hope.† This year I'm just looking at the turn of a new year for what it is, a new calendar.† The same shit still applies.† Just because people say things mean something different doesn't mean that things are different.† The same shit applies.† Despite that, the new year does mean looking back and looking forward.† In this little exercise I think I've done both.† Now let's hope I can apply the lessons I learned to 2010.† If not I guess we'll be here next year going over this list again.