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Big Failure -- 04.28.10
Iím sitting here writing this journal entry in lieu of doing my homework for class because thereís no chance for me to pass this class now. The writing is definitely on the wall on this one. Iíve failed this class. Iím not sure what that means right now. It could mean that Iím out of the program. It could mean that this notion of being a librarian is over. It could mean that Iíll get a second chance. I donít know. But there are more pressing matters to deal with.

My life is in shambles. My room looks like a tornado hit it, and thatís a perfect metaphor for my life as well. A tornado has hit it and Iím picking up the pieces. Somewhere I took a wrong turn and took the path everyone else takes. The path of becoming a zombie, a worker drone, like everyone else in this world. Itís a stupid move, but one we make because we donít know what else to do. So here I sit, future now completely uncertain because of ONE lousy obsolete class.

My jobs bore me. Itís the same bullshit day after day, week after week. I was taking a shower this morning and I asked myself, ďWhat day is it?Ē Each day bleeds into the next. The weeks become months and months years. And for what? Nothing. No satisfaction. No redemption. No nothing.

Last Thursday I worked on the same section of books four times (pictured below). Four times!

I shelf read this section twice, and shelved books in this area twice. It encapsulated my existence since I graduated. Work, work and more work. Nothing accomplished since. Iíve had talks with people about this year and how I feel Iím just spinning my wheels.

This failure has forced me to look for answers. I think itís time to find those answers.

On a side note, my frustration runs in all aspects of my life. Case in point, Sigalert on my iPhone. I check traffic conditions before going to work. Of course even this is a source of irritation and mockery. Look at this image.

Look at the area to the left of Burbank and above Beverly Hills. Thatís where I live. And thatís also where I need to know how the 101 is doing. Thatís also the ONE place that takes the longest to render. I mean come on. The ONE area I need and it takes four times as long to render as the rest of the picture? Pure mockery.

End Communication.

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