A couple of weeks ago I found out my final grade in my cataloging class. I got a C. That grade might have just gone down in the books are a fail, because that what it was... a failure. That C represents the end of my pursuit of a masters in library science. But you know what? I don�t mind that. I have learned so much while taking these classes that have nothing to do with libraries. What I�ve come to learn is that this library thing isn�t for me. I fell into it while finishing up my degree at CSUN. But honestly, that life isn�t for me. Not that there�s anything wrong with libraries, there isn�t. But I studied English in order to write, not to help people find books. I wanted to be the creator of one of those books. I�ve left that idea behind to pursue a career that I don�t particularly like.But now what? I had a career path set out with this library thing. Now I just have uncertainties. Now I only have a lot of options, but no real direction. That�s scary, especially during this difficult economic times. I�m barely making ends meet, a job at as a librarian was meant to put me on the path to financial security. Now I�m still in the dumps with little hope of getting out. But I couldn�t go on with that fake desire to be something I�m not. Funny thing is, I think about some of the people that are going through the library program I was on and I think, �Wow, that person is going to be a librarian?� Suffice to say there are those in the program that will get their degrees and won�t be half as good as I am now. But that won�t matter, will it? They�ll have their degrees.
My boss, after asking me if I had dropped out told me, �You would have been a good librarian.� That actually hurt, because she had said it when she heard I was studying. But now I seemed to have fallen a notch in her mind. I fell a notch in my own mind too. The material was easy, nothing like brain surgery. But for some reason I just couldn�t grasp it. It wasn�t ever over my head, but when it came down to doing the work suddenly I was lost. So maybe I�m not THAT clever or smart. Perhaps my brain can�t conquer everything. That�s another consequence of failing... I feel like a dunce.
At work I used to easy reference work, because I felt I was entitled since I was learning about that stuff. But since last week I�ve just sent people to the reference desk. They�re the experts, not me. I was a wannabe, and now I�m nothing.
But I do have something... my art. My photography is my joy, my one thing that I do better that anyone else I know. It can be better, for sure, but it�s pretty good. Now I just have to get out there and make the push to do something with my art. I don�t know what I�ll do, but I have to do something with the one skill I have. If I don�t then I might as well just crawl into the nearest gutter and die.
Also, women are off my diet. Lately I�ve gone back a little on my pledge to forget about women, but only slightly. I haven�t tried very hard to ask them out, or to impress them. But they have come into my life now, alluring as ever, and it�s made me crack a bit. But you know what? If this is truly a new corner I�m turning here I have to focus on what�s important. Women have always been allusive, and they�re not interested in me. So I�m going back to a few months ago when I said I would put no effort into dating them. I haven�t asked anyone out in months, but now I have to forget about ever having a meaningful connection with any of them. It�s just not something that�s going to happen. If I concentrate on good things, like working on my art and getting it out there for the public to see, then that�s good enough for me. It�s going to have to be.
This is about purging everything that�s negative in my life and focusing on what�s going to help me be happy from here on out. Women, school, and the pursuit of something unattainable (one in the same), put me in a state of near depression. But now that I�ve quit school I now have to quit women once and for all. The two have been nothing but heartache lately. And you know what? I�m through with that stuff. I�m going the middle ground, not repelling, but neither am I seeking. This has to work.
End Communication.
