A couple of weeks ago I found out my final grade in my cataloging class. I got a C. That grade might have just gone down in the books are a fail, because that what it was... a failure. That C represents the end of my pursuit of a masters in library science. But you know what? I donít mind that. I have learned so much while taking these classes that have nothing to do with libraries. What Iíve come to learn is that this library thing isnít for me. I fell into it while finishing up my degree at CSUN. But honestly, that life isnít for me. Not that thereís anything wrong with libraries, there isnít. But I studied English in order to write, not to help people find books. I wanted to be the creator of one of those books. Iíve left that idea behind to pursue a career that I donít particularly like.
But now what? I had a career path set out with this library thing. Now I just have uncertainties. Now I only have a lot of options, but no real direction. Thatís scary, especially during this difficult economic times. Iím barely making ends meet, a job at as a librarian was meant to put me on the path to financial security. Now Iím still in the dumps with little hope of getting out. But I couldnít go on with that fake desire to be something Iím not. Funny thing is, I think about some of the people that are going through the library program I was on and I think, ďWow, that person is going to be a librarian?Ē Suffice to say there are those in the program that will get their degrees and wonít be half as good as I am now. But that wonít matter, will it? Theyíll have their degrees.
My boss, after asking me if I had dropped out told me, ďYou would have been a good librarian.Ē That actually hurt, because she had said it when she heard I was studying. But now I seemed to have fallen a notch in her mind. I fell a notch in my own mind too. The material was easy, nothing like brain surgery. But for some reason I just couldnít grasp it. It wasnít ever over my head, but when it came down to doing the work suddenly I was lost. So maybe Iím not THAT clever or smart. Perhaps my brain canít conquer everything. Thatís another consequence of failing... I feel like a dunce.
At work I used to easy reference work, because I felt I was entitled since I was learning about that stuff. But since last week Iíve just sent people to the reference desk. Theyíre the experts, not me. I was a wannabe, and now Iím nothing.
But I do have something... my art. My photography is my joy, my one thing that I do better that anyone else I know. It can be better, for sure, but itís pretty good. Now I just have to get out there and make the push to do something with my art. I donít know what Iíll do, but I have to do something with the one skill I have. If I donít then I might as well just crawl into the nearest gutter and die.
Also, women are off my diet. Lately Iíve gone back a little on my pledge to forget about women, but only slightly. I havenít tried very hard to ask them out, or to impress them. But they have come into my life now, alluring as ever, and itís made me crack a bit. But you know what? If this is truly a new corner Iím turning here I have to focus on whatís important. Women have always been allusive, and theyíre not interested in me. So Iím going back to a few months ago when I said I would put no effort into dating them. I havenít asked anyone out in months, but now I have to forget about ever having a meaningful connection with any of them. Itís just not something thatís going to happen. If I concentrate on good things, like working on my art and getting it out there for the public to see, then thatís good enough for me. Itís going to have to be.
This is about purging everything thatís negative in my life and focusing on whatís going to help me be happy from here on out. Women, school, and the pursuit of something unattainable (one in the same), put me in a state of near depression. But now that Iíve quit school I now have to quit women once and for all. The two have been nothing but heartache lately. And you know what? Iím through with that stuff. Iím going the middle ground, not repelling, but neither am I seeking. This has to work.